and i'll turn right back around

I don't feel like myself lately...that's no good.

God's leading me somewhere. And when I was at Frontier, the destination was pretty clear, but now that I'm home, I feel more disoriented than I did when I was in downtown Atlanta with no GPS. That was not a fun day; neither is this. Plus, I just got Twitter. What has become of my life?

In more ridiculous news, the current descision/responsibility/pressure cloud looming over my head has made it impossible to sleep at night. I've never experienced this. I literally lay in my bed, thinking about all the options and variables, every single night, until ususally 3am -- but sometimes until 5 or 6. I'll still be awake when my dad gets up to go to work, so now my parents are all concerned. Rightly so, I guess. And I found this song, that I've had on my iPod as long as I've had that thing...

I've been sleeping in for days,
'Cause when I am awake,
I will have to face my life.
And I'm hoping it's a phase.
The walls that I create
Can only make it seem alright.
And I get carried away like I'm the only one
Who's ever felt the way that I do,
But I can hear you say, "You're not the only one.
Everybody hopes to get through."

And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.

And that made my skin crawl a little. Am I still trying to hide from the will of God? Really? Is that my life again? Gross. That's gross. Not talking about this fully is driving me nuts, so I'm just going to say it without the big "let's have a press conference about it" delivery. I've spent the last two weeks of my life working on transfer applications. Yes. I'm working on Texas A&M, Baylor, and Mary Washington. And I'm not committing to anything until I see all my options, and that now includes going back to Wofford and feeling things out. Something God revealed to me at Frontier is that I can't go to medical school. I'm pre-med for all the wrong reasons; for my pride, the desire to be called a doctor, the supposed security and status. And I just can't do it. That's not where my heart is, that's not who I am.

Quick (not really) synopsis of how this realization came about:
[Or, why Frontier really was the best month of my life]

Week One of summer staff was...insane. We got off to a rough start, with the swine flu outbreak and all. On Day Three, we found out that 200 of the campers from Katy, TX were being sent home due to contamination, and all 500 campers were shipped off by the end of Day 5. Rough. This is Frontier. Anyway, we had a summer staff meeting after everyone got on the busses, not a great mood around camp, but after the meeting I was hanging out with 6 or 7 other staffers. We started playing Hot Seat in the lobby of our cabin, and that quickly turned into me telling them my life story. I guess this is important because (a) I haven't done that in a long time, and (b) I went pretty deep with it. I talked a lot about my parents and my life in high school, mainly focused on how skewed my idea of love is because of a few different people, mostly from my dad. That and being bred to go to Harvard and be a surgeon pretty much told me that love was to be earned and that too often, I was inadequate. A couple of days later, I had an unfortunate run-in with the (at the time) frustrated camp doctor, which threw me into flashbacks of similar anger-related interactions with my father and memories of my broken childhood. That night I found myself, broken and bawling, on the back porch of my cabin with my summer staff boss, a woman who I'd known for about four days, but who still unfathomably knew how to handle me in my delicate state. I told her my story as well, and I know now that God was bringing me to my knees for a good reason, and in the weeks to come I would see much of His grace and hear much of His voice.

During the second week, an ex-YL staff guy, Tom Wilson, and his wife came and talked to us. And his wife, Linda, is actually a therapist. Funny. So I talked with her, mostly about how things were going with my parents and how that was impacting all the different aspects of my life. And she said something to me that was pretty ground-breaking in that moment, she said that I couldn't go to med school and expect my father to love me for it. Meaning, that going to med school isn't going to fix anything with my family. And another thing, she told me that my father loved me, "he just doesn't know how to, and that's not on you." Which was...completely what I needed to hear from a total stranger, you know? God spoke through her so well, as if to yell, "Guess what, this isn't something you get to worry about anymore, so just give it up." And I think that's when I knew what I had to do. Granted, I think I have always known, but just prevented myself from saying it out loud.

And then, week three rolled along, and I had a conversation with Frontier's camp manager about interning there next summer. And what he more or less said to me was that if I wanted an internship, to just pick up the phone and call him. And of course I had thoughts of committing right then and there, but brought up uncertainties in being available because of summer school for my beloved pre-med biology/spanish-consumed life. He told me to talk to one of the interns, Beth, because she was a year-long intern who was "probably" going to medical school. So of course she walks into my office ten minutes after Steve leaves. And she tells me that she decided during her time at Frontier to not go to med school, because she was going for all the wrong reasons. And I was all, why are we the same person? It was a little creepy, but the good kind of creepy.

And then I got back to Virginia with a very clear and very sweet picture of God directing me toward something: no more med school. So yes, that plan is out the window. The question (and struggle?) is now what to do with that picture. The only thing that really makes me uncomfortable about leaving Wofford is leaving Byrnes Young Life, which is not exactly thriving in comparison to the other Young Life clubs in SpaCo, but then again, this is not about comparison...or really my perception of things at all. It's not about me at all, what I want or think or feel. But yes, I am filling out transfer applications out of what I see to be obedience. And, if God wants me to go, I'm there. No question. I have no loyalties that would prevent me from going if I am so called. But something my friend Zach wrote in his blog a few days ago (something to the tune of, "following God's will as it has been revealed despite where current circumstances lead") struck a cord with me. Does this mean I just peace out and go to Texas? Did God say to go to Texas, or did he just say to not go to medical school? I believe there is a difference that I haven't really considered. I'm not looking for loopholes. I'm comfortable at Wofford, but at the same time, I am completely uncomfortable because I wasn't living in God's complete will over the course of last year. My greatest fear is that I will fall back into the cycle of being obsessed with success that I have become so skilled at. I have a lot of questions, I have even more concerns, there are a lot of variables to be weighed...a lot of responsibilities to be considered...and yet, I am so dissatisfied with my present communion with God. The only way to get His answer is to seek His face, which I am not doing adequately for what my current situation demands. Of this, I am sure...and it's the first thing to be worked on.

Lord,
If I'm doing something other than what You will, put up a block. Show up somehow. Forgive me for not looking to You, for not sitting at Your feet and residing in Your Word. That is where I desire to be. I love you so.

something new and different!

it must've been something i said

I went on a really really great great great run earlier. And I'm listening to Ryan Adam's cover of Wonderwall. Today is a good day.

I'm really only updating because Heather, my friend from Chicago, just left me a Facebook video saying that she was going to come read this , and I figured I needed more than one post since Frontier as to not seem like such a blog slacker. Tomorrow night, I'll be crashing my home YL area's post-camp reunion fiesta! It's not a Young Life party in Atown if I'm not there, basically. I'm trying my best to focus on not wearing my cowboy boots. I'm a little obsessed with them, and Virginia is not exactly cowboy boots territory...a little like how my Texas friends thought my Wallabees were weird, I suppose.

I move back into Wofford on the 31st, so I've got a nice little chunk of time to play with before I have to be serious about life again, so I'm a fan of that since I know people who are moving in this week. I'm working on my plan of attack for acquiring outdoorsy things to go camping with (Mountain Smith bag, Keen trail run shoes, Patagonia shorts, etc.) so all my camping-inclined friends will think I'm cool and plan a trip to go sleep in some forest. Pretty stoked about that. More excited than I was when I found out they have a Rock Band just for country music...so clutch.

I'm out of cool things to talk about...here's a mini survey so you can learn things about my life.

What are you listening to right now?
(I Just) Died In Your Arms - Cutting Crew

Are/were your parents strict?
not strict, just...we don't see eye to eye

Would you go sky diving?
on the to-do list

Do you like cottage cheese?
HAAAATE it.

Have you ever met a celebrity?
taylor swift!

Do you rent movies often?
i'm such a netflix junkie

Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
I'm the proud owner of a disco ball.

Ever walked into a wall?
That's actually how I broke my foot when I was a freshman in high school.

Note: only blog when you have something to say...

of what is to come

I have absolutely not recovered from "I miss Colorado" syndrome. My heart is still there and I long for the time and vulnerability I had with the Lord. That's not to say that He is not present where I am now, it's just that...a lot of other things are, too.

My month on summer staff was a gift of all gifts, and it came to me in a time when I needed the clarity of God more than ever...I mean, if my life was a book, my month away from home was the plot twist, and I can't tell you about it quite yet. Believe me, I want to...but I want to be able to tell this particular story of God's greatness in full.

Since being home, I've spent a lot of time sleeping, some time running, and most of it with people. Frontier showed me how relational I actually am. Shock of my life, an introvert that's relational. But yes, I crave being with people and getting to know them, hurts and fears and crap included, and more than that I crave seeing people process Lord. Not necessarily all the pretty parts of that, I enjoy watching the wrestling matches as well. That's a big reason why summer staff was so clutch for me; it was an environment full of peers who thought nothing of sitting (or more accurately, residing) at the feet of Jesus, and that's the life I want. I want to sit at His feet and I want to hear what He has to say. So yes, I am missing that place greatly.

God spoke at Frontier in a way that I've never experienced before. I was told by the property staff at camp that "nothing like this" had really ever happened in the history of Young Life. First of all, a swine flu outbreak? Really? Sending 200 campers home on Day 3 of our first week of camp and all 500 by Day 5? Really? Having the Work Crew isolated and the threat of camp getting shut down -- of Frontier Ranch, the granddaddy of all YL camps, getting shut down -- looming over our heads? Really? Camp groups canceling, a national flu screening policy, rerouting to other camps? Really? Having our precious camp director lose the love of her life at the end of Week 3? I've never felt like Satan was attacking holy ground as much as this. I remember...Day 1 of Week 2, when all the staff was put on TamiFlu, and some of us were literally packing our bags because we were so sure that we were all going to get sent home...I have never prayed so honestly or so boldly or so openly. Read Psalm 91. I experienced the Truth of that passage, lived it and breathed it for a month. Never have I had so much hope, never have I heard from God so clearly. Forgive me, I have so much to say and share that I'm unsure of where to even begin.

It changed my heart, and it changed the way I see God, not to mention the way I hear from Him, and I know that my life is about to change. In a big way. And I'm still figuring that out...not so much the when or the what, because the when is now. My struggle lies within whether or not I have any say in this particular matter, and to quote Zach, "Not if it's the will of God. If that's what we're dealing with, you've really got no choice here." I love the thought of that. And so I know what I have to do, but there are certain variables to consider. But I can't wait to tell the whole world, but I must be delicate in my delivery. So I'm asking for patience; I'll think on it, and pray on it, and I guess it's about time for me to witness to what I saw God during my time on that mountain. I'll never really be the same because of it, and that scares me, but it ignites the fire in my heart more than that.

better love

so i'm back, but i don't have words yet.




but i do know that frontier ranch is my favorite place in the whole world.
and that it changed my life.
because of the way that the Lord met me there so profoundly.

Colorado Hiatus...

hi friends!

so this is to let the people who read this know that I'll probably not be blogging for about a month because I'll be on Summer Staff for Young Life at Frontier Ranch! Exciting! I'll be back in VA sometime around July 20th. I'm actually flying through GSP, so if you're in Spartanburg, chances pretty great are that I'll see you on my way through. I don't think I'll have internet access, but if I do, I'll be sure to hop on here and tell you some stories.

Have a blessed month, I know I will!

when did I get this obnoxious?

okay, quick post before I head off to the JamFest after party:

So tonight, one of our challenges at this youth thing I've been leading a team at all week was to come up with a team chant/song. So I sat down and rewrote "I'm On A Boat" (with all clean lyrics of course) to be about Tooth Fairies eating Spam (Tooth Fairies is the name of my team, Spam is the mascot of the week...you kind of have to be there to understand). And it was so goooood! I mean, I was impressed with it and the kids had fun getting up on stage and doing it, and we were so sure that we won! But THEN, they annoucned the winners, and said that my team was disqualified because in the rap, we said something about how we were gonna beat this one other team, the Bigfoot team, and so then they gave 1st place to that team. And I was so mad! Everyone had come up to us and said that we did the best, and that we were robbed, etc. I was so mad! And that distracted me the whole rest of the night, especially through the worship set and even into the speaker's message, which is so tragic. And then the speaker started talking about the book of Luke, about the prodigal son. He focused on the second son, the one that was a big jerk to the father when the backslidden son returned, and talked about how bad his attitude was, and what a shame that was.

And it was pretty much like he was talking to me, I might as well of had a big spotlight on me the whole dang time. Talk about a slap in the face. This whole week, I've been so focused on winning. And that's it. And every time my team comes in second, or gets DQ-d, or whatever, I sulk around and have such a bad attitude about it. That was me in high school, I always wanted to be the best, and unfortunately a lot of the time I was, but then when I lost or did poorly, I was obnoxious and had the worst attitude of all time. That challenge tonight wasn't about winning, and it wasn't about shoving my team spirit in the Bigfoot team's face, it was about getting those high school kids excited about being a team up on that stage. I felt like a pretty big loser when I figured that out; I failed as a leader today. I guess when you pray for humility, God will keep giving you opportunities to fall flat on your butt. Praise Him for that.

I don't want to have a bad attitude, and I'm so so so thrilled that God keeps on showing me that life isn't about winning, because that would mean life was about me, about us. But it's not, it's about Him and giving Him the glory! It's not about being a pragmatist, it's not about being competitive, it's about being selfless, and rejoicing when others rejoice, and about leaving the 99 to find the one that strayed, and celebrating when the one returns to the Father. I miss that, we all miss that. But oh man, I love God for speaking through things like He did for me tonight. It was just a game. So I'm gonna go to this after party with that attitude, and I'm gonna go to the church gym with that attitude, and man am I gonna start praying to keep that attitude no matter what I'm doing. The first shall be last and the last shall be first, right? Right.