no puedo dormir.

I caaaaan't sleep.

That's probably because I slept like 12+ hours last night (not as wonderous as it sounds, too much sleep leads no zero alertness allllll day) and have been drinking diet coke like it's my job since noon. I do dumb things like this a lot. I have my alarm set for five hours from now (chances me getting out of bed at that time = 0%)

I'm at home this weekend, chillin with my family and insane (and by insane I mean awesome) dog, Smudge. Plus Caroline and Elizabeth. Because let's be real, what's the real reason I hit up Atown? [answer: to see Carol & Iz] I am in high demand in this place...every time I pop in for a visit, I get about 30 text messages from various friendy friends (Sally, I looove you) demanding to know why I did not inform them promptly upon my arrival that I would be here, thus producing a guilt trip like no other...I can't help it that I'm so popular. Because here's the issue: I hang out with my peeps, and then my parents get all offended that I didn't spend that time watching weird tv shows with them (because that's what they usually do, regardless of whether or not I'm home). Yeah...my life is hard.

Actually, my life is a soap opera. It would be a great sitcom, ask anyone. Exciting (and by exciting I mean stressful) things are always happening to me. I never get bored; I guess that is a plus. Buuut, my life being overly dramatic is why I came home. Shenanigans (and by shenanigans, I mean ridiculous things that juuuust don't happen to anyone else ever) went down this week, and they were the kind of shenanigans that just make you think about your life and what the heck you've been doing with it...and I don't even know what I'm saying, but I promise that I have a point. Anyway, it was an emotional couple of days and everyone was asking questions, and I just had to keep my mouth shut about it (WHICH IS SO HAAAARD FOR ME TO DO) and just needed to get away and hang out with God and figure out what He's been saying through this mess. So you know in Moby-Dick (you probably don't, I'm probably the only freak of nature who's weird enough to voluntarily read that book) when Ishmael is talking about wanting to knock everyones' hats off and just needs to get to the sea as fast as possible? Well that's what I did, I am taking to the sea. Usually when I do that, I'm running away from my problems...but I already fixed it, so it wasn't that. I just needed to get where I could shut out the world and just listen to Jesus. And this particular lesson has been like...4 years in the making, and if I tell you everything I figured out today, this will be the longest blog post in America.

(Here it is -->) Point: Usually, when you're so dependent on something and then start praying for God to shake away things in your life that are keeping you from keeping your eyes fixed only on Him, HE WILL DO IT. He'll answer that prayer, aaaand fast. And the thing about that is...it knocks you on your butt and it takes you a while to stop being a little girl about it. And then when you stand back up again, there's just this confidence that things are going to be so much better now that you've gotten a distraction out of your relationship with God. Because isn't it so unfortunate that we think we know what's best for us? We so don't, and things would be a lot easier if we just grasped God's sovereignty and rested in it more often. That's really what we're being called to dwell in. If God wants something to happen, it will. If he doesn't, it won't. And usually we can't see past the day we're stuck in. And that's because His ways are higher and better than ours, and...what's a better comfort than that? We're scared, and we think that God is holding back good things from us, and when we get stuck in that fear, we really start to question God's integrity, and think things like, "What if He's not really for me?" and "What if He's keeping something from me?" which are just complete and total lies. OF COURSE He is for us. No good thing does He withhold from us, I loooove that verse. What would life be like if we really trusted that...that no matter how awful we think our circumstances are, or get stuck when we get dealt a bad card...God is irrevocably for us and isn't ever going to hold something back from us. There's a lot of peace in that, and I want to start living in that right there.

I got dealt a pretty crappy hand this week. And it's probably going to mean that some things in my life change. But I know that it's okay...because God brought it about...so of course it's okay. Because I trust Him.