take to the sea

I have found, lately, that my emotional state tends to vary between extremes. I'm not used to this; I'm used to feeling great all the time. When I was a junior in high school, I chose to read Moby-Dick for some analytical reading thing; it was the longest one from our selection and I'm nothing if not a show-off. But I actually enjoyed it. I would say it's my favorite, but then I remember the 20-page narrative marathons about the unpleasant greyness of the sky. Anyway, my favorite part of the whole book in in the first chapter:

Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off - then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me.

And that's how I feel a lot sometimes. I'll admit that I have a tendency to hermit and overthink and run away from my problems. But I found my sea, finally.

Whenever I get sad...or whenever I hate a moment or a day even a little, I put on jeans and my summer staff shirt and my cowboy boots and I go lay out in my yard, pretend that it is a sunday night, and turn on drew holcomb & the neighbors. And sometimes, if the breeze is blowing right, I can trick myself into thinking that I'm on the back porch of Lariat or sitting at Sunset Point, or maybe down in the grass overlooking the valley. And it makes everything okay again.

may you see drops like stars

what up, fool?

well...the day has come; I am officially the only one left in Abingdon. Everyone is off to college, so I've got a week to get all ready to head back to South Carolina. Packing has never ever ever been my thing. It's the only thing I have ADD with; I'd rather learn about Botany than pack. This is not a drill.

So anyway, I was out getting going away presents yesterday, and I got the whole set of Rob Bell books for Caroline, because I want her to read them anyway but I'm too attached to my copies right now to send them to Knoxville. And, I found the greatest thing ever! The NEW Rob Bell book is out! It's called Drops Like Stars, and I was a little surprised because it's not a little paperback, it's this HUGE hardcover book! (My advice: don't buy it at a bookstore. I paid $35 for it and then found out that it's $23 on amazon.com. Oh well, you live and learn.)

IT IS SO GOOD. I had been planning on going to the Drops Like Stars tour, and this just made me even more excited about it! Rob will be in Charlotte on October 7th, and I am so there. Even if I have to go alone...which I doubt, haha. Here's the tour teaser:

We plot, we plan, we assume things are going to go
A certain way and then they don’t and we find ourselves
In a new place, a place we haven’t been before, a place
We never would have imagined on our own,

And so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even
Tragic and yet it opened us up and freed us to see
Things in a whole new way

Suffering does that—
It hurts,
But it also creates.

How many of the most significant moments in your
Life came not because it all went right, but because
It all fell apart?

It’s strange how there can be art in the agony…

fear, or something like it.

today was a pretty great hair day.

i spend most of my life these days either a) laying on caroline's bed watching her pack for college, or b) eating breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner with people i haven't spent real time with in a year. That's my little cycle. For instance, on Tuesday night I had dinner with some of my friends from high school, then last night I went out to a little Abingdon townie pizza place called Bella's with the same group minus one person. And then I met two of those girls again for breakfast today, then went and had a pedicure and lunch with one of those girls...and tomorrow morning I have a breakfast date with the original four girls that this all started with on Tuesday. What the heck? I mean, I like it, but I've spent like $50 on pizza and breakfast sandwiches and potato soup in like...48 hours. And when I'm not eating food with friends from high school, I'll just roll over to Caroline's and see what she's up to. What a life I have.

But there's more to all this...I've discovered (or observed, more like it) something a little unsettling. When I'm home, I hang out with some derivative of two basic groups of people. Group A is the three girls that were my d-group during my senior year of high school; Caroline, Bridget, and Lauren. They're all a year younger than me. Then, Group B is made up of girls I actually graduated with; Julie, Julia, Jessica, and Brittney. And I've been around both groups pretty much every day this week, and I noticed today that every single one of those girls is either in some sort of serious relationship, the only exception being Bridget, and she just got out of one. And it makes me feel like a third grader. Like, I have had absolutely nothing at all to contribute to any conversation I've "had" this week, because they've all been centered around these boyfriends. And it's weird. I never noticed it before. Everyone around me right now is in sort of serious relationship...and it's a little suffocating. I don't mean that to sound like I don't want to be around people, I just think it's a little...funny. Maybe that's why people think I'm quiet all of a sudden, because I don't have anything to add to the "how we first met" story times, and can't talk about things that my boyfriend does that drive me nuts, and I can't really give any of them advice on anything either, so I just sit there and drink my diet coke and take it all in. And it's not like all my close Abingdon friends are about to get married or anything, it's just that a couple of them are in pretty legit long-term relationships; I'm talking about girls my age with third year anniversaries coming up next month. And I'm pretty sure that most of them "see themselves" marrying the guys they're with.

And it's starting to make me feel defective. I mean, I don't have low self-esteem or anything like that, but I feel like I just noticed this and missed the boat on some "this is what you're supposed to be doing right now" memo in girl world. I mean, I made the conscious decision to not date my first year of college, because I wanted to fall all the way back in love with the Lord before I thought about that sort of relationship with a man of God. And my best reasoning for that desire stems from two long-term experiences; one from my parents teaching me that love was to be earned, the second from pseudo-dating a boy for two years in high school who made me feel like no one else would ever ever love me. All in all, I started college with the skewed notion that I was completely inadequate in and would never be worthy of love. And I know this to be untrue; I know that God tells me otherwise. He tells us, "All beautiful you are, my darling. There is no flaw in you" in Song of Solomon. I know and trust fully that God loves me, all crap included. My hang-up, however, is believing that people do. I mean, shove me in a room with that guy from high school and it's like, all of a sudden my confidence shatters and there's a voice in my head saying, "You're not pretty. You're not fun. Nobody wants to be around you, you have nothing to offer, you're worthless," which I strongly believe is Satan trying to completely wreck my life. And I don't think there's anything I hate more than that. So this one situation with that one guy has affected and scarred me so deeply that I never ever want to get close to another guy. I have zero desire to date, I have zero desire to even entertain that thought. I'm not ready for that, at all. I mean, I think about it sometimes, but then when I say no when I get asked out by or set up with perfectly nice guys. When I got back from Frontier, people were a little shocked that I didn't come home claiming that I was in a relationship. So what it boils down to is that I'm actually pretty disappointed in myself that I haven't bounced back from this relational catastrophe from high school. I mean, for two years, I had this big "stay away" tag on me because I was chasing after some idiot who backed out on prom two years in a row and only really "liked me" when it was convenient. He was not my boyfriend. On the other hand, he wasn't just a friend either. Instead, our relationship was elastic, stretching between those two extremes depending on whether one of us needed the other for something, if there was a dance or some big event coming up where a date was necessary, and other varying factors. This was exactly what I wanted, as commitments had never really been my thing. And it wasn't like it was hard, either. The only trick was never giving more than you were willing to lose. And that turned into a big mess where I literally was existing in desperation, I never really "gave up hope" until he started outwardly emotionally abusing me, and by the time I realized that was going on, it was pretty embarrassingly late in the game. And I never did anything physically scandalous, I've never even kissed anyone, so that really tells me that all this pain and reservation is strictly emotional. I've been in these big awful emotionally deteriorating situations and I can't really sing praises about them; I feel unloveable and unwanted, and am at the point where I'm about to move to Texas and only come home for Christmas because I feel like my relationship with my parents is going nowhere fast; I don't really know I believe them when they say they love me. They do, they just don't know how. One day I'm going to feel safe, and happy, and wanted. Surely I am those things now, but I don't see it or feel it or know it to be true because if I have ever felt loved by someone, it's been temporary or very conditional and I can't live that way. I can't love that way, that's not what Love even is. Because I've seen what love is; God is love, and I have Him, so I have real love. Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

And yet, I have pain, but I also have all this contentment within Christ. I'm actually pretty confused as to what my problem actually is...that I have the love of God but won't let myself accept human love? I can't figure this out, really. I was talking to a staff wife at Frontier who is actually a therapist, and I remember making the comment to her that I would be okay if no one ever really loved me, because I knew that God did and that was good enough for me. And she was a little taken aback at that I guess, and she grabbed my hand and said, "Oh honey, but He doesn't intend for life to be that way."

I still can't really figure out this Texas deal. It all fits together somehow, I know it does. Somebody somewhere is going to love me, or maybe someone already does, and maybe they're in Virginia, or maybe they're at Wofford, or maybe they're in Texas. And maybe my parents will become followers of Christ, and maybe everything will work out. I'm pretty sure it will work out. I'm not even sad about all these things...I mean, I am, but it's not the kind of sad that overwhelms my life and robs me of my joy, and for that I know I am lucky.

I guess this is all what makes me the way I am. I guess figuring it all out is why I'm so quiet.

scared? maybe a little.

this week has been so very wonderful. i finally feel like things are beginning to smooth out. i mean...i haven't done anything groundbreaking or had some big beautiful epiphany or figured my life out, but things feel...better.

Lauren left for Wheaton today! Caroline and Bridget go Saturday, and then all my friends from home that I graduated with leave this weekend as well, so it's Goodbye Week 2K9. And I guess I should be sad or something, but I'm really not. God's really giving me a lot more peace with this whole Texas deal. One of the negatives on my pro/con list (don't judge me) is the whole deal where I would be shoved into independence...apartment, commuting to campus, going to school with 50,000 people, being 17 hours from home, etc. And Lauren is all the way in Chicago, so I mean, if she can do that as a freshman, surely I can. I was spending some time this week with a few girls that I graduated with, and one of them just got an apartment at Virginia Tech, and basically I've just been talking with a lot of people who are in some derivative of the situation I'd be in. Far from home, living off-campus, stuff like that. My friend Brittney just quit her pre-pharmacy program to come back home and do nursing because she wants to have a family and a life, and not be in school for 8 years and have a misery-inducing job. I was watching My Best Friend's wedding the other night, only half paying attention to it, and I looked at the tv for a minute and Julia Roberts said something along the lines of, "Well sometimes you just go to random places like College Station, TX!" and that's where A&M is. More or less, I've pretty much had all the signs and reassurance in the world that I'm not going to medical school.

The only real question for me at this point is whether or not I'll leave Wofford. I thought about not going back at all, but it's a little too late to pull a stunt like that. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be the hardest thing in the whole world to go back there without this decision finalized...I'm so so so so terrified that I'll talk myself out of all this, and that I'll stay in South Carolina out of fear. And I guess the fear is coming around because I've hit a plateau in the application process; everything's all filled out, I just can't mail my Wofford transcript into admissions until I physically go pick it up from the registrar. But I still...don't feel sure. i guess I feel like I might be making some big fabulous mistake, this is a pretty huge life change, everything about it feels pretty major. New state, new major, new life plan, new friends, summers in Colorado, only home at Christmas. This is all about might...it might hurt, it might not work out, it might be awful, i might hate it, i might love it, it might be great, it might be perfect, it might be everything...and I can't help but hear this little voice in my head go, "By the way Amanda, if you do this, if you leave, everything about your life is going to change completely; and if you don't do it, you're always going to wonder why you stayed." And honestly, I can't think of a good reason to stay. Maybe that's a pretty good reason to go.

I've also been told by a ton of people this week that I've gotten shy. Really close friends, like Bridget and Lauren, too. And that really worries me. I'm not shy...ever. I'm not quiet, I don't not talk about things, I'm loud and ridiculous and I'm not sure how my personality would work at all if it was subdued. Maybe it's from where I've been praying to be less dramatic. I guess that was a bigger issue than I realized.

I can't sleep.

The day has come. My doctor put me on prescription sleep medicine. I'm now one of those people. I told her the drill, that I'll just lay there for four hours going over all these options and variables, going through what if's and big schematic hypothetical situations and wondering what would happen with certain people and places and responsibilities if I stay and hate it, if I go and hate it, etc. She cut me off and told me to try and stay away from stressful situations. I laughed. So, sleeping pills might be my least favorite things in the whole world. First of all, I would just like to say that Ambien is not as wonderful as the commercial makes it out to be. You know how they say "don't take this unless you can devote at least 8 hours to sleep"? Well they mean the "at least" part, I took some at midnight, slept through my 9am alarm, and woke up at 3:30pm, and then was so drowsy that I could barely make it into the kitchen to make a pb&j before I went back to sleep for a lovely 6-hour evening nap.


So now I'm left to my own devices to start sleeping like a normal person again. I've tried everything; warm milk, sleeping on the couch, sleeping in the guest room, eliminating sugar and caffeine intake (and that is a BIG deal), and last night I even tried sleeping at a friend's house. Best friend Caroline's house, actually. She even has one of those neat sound soother things that makes the noise of the rainforest or beach, and I just laid in bed for 2 hours like usual. I went down to her living room at 2am and her dad was still up, so we watched Cops for about half an hour, then he went to sleep and I started reading a John Piper book I brought with me. It's actually legit, it's called "What Jesus Demands From the World" and it's one of the books I ordered on a whim for my trip to Colorado, but didn't actually take it with me on the plane because it's a 600-page hardback. But I'm about 50 pages in and I'm hooked. I basically underlined everything. So far he's talking about the logistics of God-glorifying obedience to Jesus, not really into the meat of anything yet. But each chapter is a demand of Christ, like I've read "You Must Be Born Again" and "Repent" and then chapter three is "Come to Me" and bravo, Piper. The chapters are really short, there are only 50 and some of the more major ones are lengthy, obviously, but the introduction to the book talks about the authority of Christ, one section particularly about the atuthority and intimacy under the Final Commission:

You can feel the two come together in what Jesus says on either side of his final command to make disciples. On one side he says, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me" (Matthew 28:18). And on the other side he says, "Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:20). The one says, "I make demands because I have the right. All authority in the universe is mine." The other says, "I make demands because I will help you. I will be with you forever."

I'm intrigued. I haven't been this intrigued about a book...in a while. That could be because I've read "The Shack" three times while I was at Frontier, and also because I've been on an emotional purity (yes, I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and I liked it. I could do a whole dang blog just on that business) kick for the last few months.

Anyway...my three best friends from home ship off to college in this next week. Lauren goes off to Wheaton on Wednesday, and then on Saturday, Bridget will be off to Roanoke College and Caroline leaves for Carson-Newman. Sad day. I guess it's not too awful, because I did this to them last year, but we're all pretty spread out now and it's not like Lauren can fly in from Chicago every weekend. I just love each of these girls with a deep part of my heart, we've been through just about everything with each other. And at any given time, some combination of the four of us is usually in some heated argument, or calling someone else out on their crap, or some derivative of non-compliance and I love it. Someone's always wrong, and I've been wrong with them plenty of times and it's taught me when to suck it up and swallow my pride and admit that. And it's taught me to be strong for them, since I'm the oldest I'm sort of the one who flew off in the real world first and had to report back on all the big scary things out there, and it's forced me to stay accountable. Because when your three best friends are girls, there are no secrets. You can't say anything to one that you don't want the other two to know. And I've learned more about honesty and integrity from that alone. And I love that we can talk about real things, like God and rapture and the end of the world, and they're not afraid to tell me that they don't like Young Life, and I'm not afraid to tell them that they spend entirely too much time with my boyfriends, and they're not afraid to shove in my face the fact that just because I'm older, it doesn't mean I'm always wiser. I love them. So this week will be pretty rough. Because as much as I hate all of our dumb arguments and drama, I'm gonna miss it big time.

I am beyond exhausted, I got back from Caroline's going-away party at midnight and then went for a run, followed by P90X Abs. All in an attempt to fall asleep. Here goes nothin'.

if you say go

I've been wrestling with God over a couple of issues for about a year. I don't mean a controlled verbal debate, I mean I've been acting like a 6-year-old child who isn't getting her way.

He's been trying to teach me patience and faith, asking me to specifically follow his instructions, but I've been kicking and screaming, yelling, "I want it now! Why not now? Why don't you just bless me now?" And I haaate it.

It's actually kind of ridiculous behavior. But it's had to be this way for me to come to this point. I'm the spoiled brat not getting her way, and He's the understanding Father trying to teach his kid a life lesson.

In March of last year, I felt like my whole life was in pieces. I didn't get into Harvard, I was just getting out of a rough two-year emotionally abusive pseudo-relationship, things with my family were starting to fall apart, and then Wofford came into the picture...it was my wilderness experience. It was the time I had to blindly walk by faith and trust God when he said, "Go to this place," even though I was scared. Now, I'm relating to Abraham the same way in a different part of his story.

Since I was five years old, I can remember dreaming about being a doctor. My dad taught me how to do a suture when I was 10, I would stitch bananas back together and have brain surgery on my Barbies. I was going to go to Havard, followed by Harvard med, and save the world. No sweat. That's just how it was. My whole life has been centered around this idea of being a surgeon. I've made it a part of my life without it ever even existing.

So as I've gotten older to my current stage of life as a sophomore in college, I've been frustrated that he hasn't followed my life plan and given me exactly what I wanted when I asked for it. I had it all mapped out. I would be done with med school when I was 25, do all my specialization, marry another surgeon, have this genius super family, etc. Instead, he asked me this summer to lay that big dream on the altar and stick a knife in it.

I've read Genesis 22 over and over again—slow, fast, in various translations. My favorite translation is in the New Living Translation. I've come to a few conclusions about this situation:

1. Some time later, God tested Abraham’s faith. “Abraham!” God called.

"Yes," he replied. "Here I am."

God liked to test Abraham's faith—a lot—didn't he? It almost seemed to be God's twisted way of messing with Abraham every now and then, just to see if he'd screw up. I feel like that sometimes. Sometimes I get tired of God's tests of my faith. I just want a summer break every now and then. But, alas, we all know that God tests our faith for good reasons and to grow us.

2. “Take your son, your only son—yes, Isaac, whom you love so much—and go to the land of Moriah. Go and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on one of the mountains, which I will show you.”

Can you imagine what Abraham thought when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac—his "son whom he loved so much"? I'll bet Abraham was pretty ticked. Why wouldn't God have asked him to sacrifice something easy, like a ram, a sheep, or even some luxuries in life? Why his beloved son?

I can relate. I have begged God over and over to take something else. I've even gone so far as to offer up myself as a lifelong foreign missionary, start all these cool charities, never to enjoy Froot Loops, snow, or Christmas ever again, just so I could keep my dream—the dream that I love so much.

3. The next morning Abraham got up early. He saddled his donkey and took two of his servants with him, along with his son, Isaac. Then he chopped wood for a fire for a burnt offering and set out for the place God had told him about.

I know it seems like Abraham was quick to run and chop up some firewood so he could rush his son to the sacrificial altar, but don't let the lack of details in this passage fool you. There's no way he sprinted to Moriah. He probably took his time going up the mountain so he could savor a few last moment with Isaac. Along the way, I'm sure he thought over and over, "God, are you sure you want me to do this? This seems like the craziest idea you've ever had. Maybe I didn't hear you correctly."

It's taken me more than a year to make it up the mountain. At first, I thought I could rush up and shove it on the altar because God really wouldn't take it from me. Instead, he would provide me with exactly what I wanted in its place. But I was wrong. He really does want this precious dream of mine—every piece of it. And I've sauntered up the side of the mountain for a long while, hesitating all along the way, clutching it tight in my arms, and wondering if I shouldn't just turn around and carry it back to the bottom.

4. On the third day of their journey, Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. “Stay here with the donkey,” Abraham told the servants. “The boy and I will travel a little farther. We will worship there, and then we will come right back.”

After a year, I'm now standing where Abraham was. I can see the altar from here. So why can't I just walk up and lay it down? I don't know yet. God has worked me over all the way here. I've had to worship him the whole way up.

I do know that on this journey, I've gotten rid of some things—insecurities, issues that weren't yet resolved, things from my past—that I otherwise would've held on to. These were the things I needed to get rid of to make it to the top.

The most incredible times of worship—when I have never felt God's presence more—were the times it was just me and Him. The times I felt the greatest pain in my life. I can imagine Abraham was feeling some incredible pain as he escorted his son up the mountain, but knew that he would worship in his agony when he reached the top.

It seems as though the pain of this journey has increased the farther along I go. I know that it's coming. Soon I'll have to let go of this dream. When that time comes in just a short while, I'll be in pain. And in that pain, I'll worship.

5. So Abraham placed the wood for the burnt offering on Isaac’s shoulders, while he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them walked on together, Isaac turned to Abraham and said, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“We have the fire and the wood,” the boy said, “but where is the sheep for the burnt offering?”

“God will provide a sheep for the burnt offering, my son,” Abraham answered. And they both walked on together.

So many pictures run through my mind in these verses: 1) that Isaac, the sacrifice, carried his own cross to the place he was to die, just as Jesus did, 2) that Abraham would put him there and plunge the knife into his heart, just as our sin nailed Jesus to the cross, and 3) how true Abraham's words were—that God did, indeed, provide the Lamb of God to be sacrificed for our sins.

But I also questioned what Abraham meant here. Was he just confident that God would come through with a substitute? Or was he just trying to avoid panic and hysteria in his son when he found out he would be the sacrifice?

I don't know what God means for me. The outcome is uncertain. However, I do know that God's grace is enough for whatever happens. I do know that he, in his providence, will still reign supreme in my life. I do know that I am grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me on the cross.

6. When they arrived at the place where God had told him to go, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood on it. Then he tied his son, Isaac, and laid him on the altar on top of the wood. And Abraham picked up the knife to kill his son as a sacrifice. At that moment the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Yes,” Abraham replied. “Here I am!”

“Don’t lay a hand on the boy!” the angel said. “Do not hurt him in any way, for now I know that you truly fear God. You have not withheld from me even your son, your only son.”

I understand why God wants this from me. I've made it my idol. I've been like a little child, clutching some posession, pouting and yelling, "It's mine! Not yours!" It's defined my life for almost 19 years. I've lost part of my identity to it.

Ultimately, my identity only lies in Christ. He's the only one that provides the definition for who I am in this world. He wants my total devotion. I started praying for brokenness on March 31, 2008 and he's worked his way in my life up to this point. He needs a direct line to me with nothing else standing in the way. And I'm willing to go there.

7. Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horns in a thicket. So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering in place of his son. Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means “the Lord will provide”). To this day, people still use that name as a proverb: “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

Then the angel of the Lord called again to Abraham from heaven. “This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your son, your only son, I swear by my own name that I will certainly bless you. I will multiply your descendants beyond number, like the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies. And through your descendants all the nations of the earth will be blessed—all because you have obeyed me."

I've selfishly held on to this dream for a long time. In my mind, it's always belonged to me. But, God asked for it and I said, "OK." And it's been a long process giving it up. I don't know what will happen next—whether he'll take it up and consume it with fire, provide a substitute and bless me for my obedience, or do something completely out of the ordinary that I never thought of (which is usually what happens).

Whatever the outcome, he'll provide what I need and I'll be satisfied—even if it hurts. I've realized I'm too ridiculous to figure out my own life. I just keep screwing my "plans" up. I'm willing to let go of ALL the reigns and give him control. I'll trust and obey no matter what happens.

My prayer today:

Here, before your altar, I am letting go of all I've held—of every motive, every burden, every thing that's of myself. I just want to wait on you, my God. I just want to dwell on who you are.

Beautiful, beautiful—I am lost for more to say. Beautiful, beautiful—Lord, you're beautiful to me.

Here, in your presence, I am not afraid of brokenness, to wash your feet with humble tears. I would be poured out until nothing is left. I just want to wait on you, my God. I just want to dwell on who you are.

(Kari Jobe's "Beautiful")

and i'll turn right back around

I don't feel like myself lately...that's no good.

God's leading me somewhere. And when I was at Frontier, the destination was pretty clear, but now that I'm home, I feel more disoriented than I did when I was in downtown Atlanta with no GPS. That was not a fun day; neither is this. Plus, I just got Twitter. What has become of my life?

In more ridiculous news, the current descision/responsibility/pressure cloud looming over my head has made it impossible to sleep at night. I've never experienced this. I literally lay in my bed, thinking about all the options and variables, every single night, until ususally 3am -- but sometimes until 5 or 6. I'll still be awake when my dad gets up to go to work, so now my parents are all concerned. Rightly so, I guess. And I found this song, that I've had on my iPod as long as I've had that thing...

I've been sleeping in for days,
'Cause when I am awake,
I will have to face my life.
And I'm hoping it's a phase.
The walls that I create
Can only make it seem alright.
And I get carried away like I'm the only one
Who's ever felt the way that I do,
But I can hear you say, "You're not the only one.
Everybody hopes to get through."

And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.

And that made my skin crawl a little. Am I still trying to hide from the will of God? Really? Is that my life again? Gross. That's gross. Not talking about this fully is driving me nuts, so I'm just going to say it without the big "let's have a press conference about it" delivery. I've spent the last two weeks of my life working on transfer applications. Yes. I'm working on Texas A&M, Baylor, and Mary Washington. And I'm not committing to anything until I see all my options, and that now includes going back to Wofford and feeling things out. Something God revealed to me at Frontier is that I can't go to medical school. I'm pre-med for all the wrong reasons; for my pride, the desire to be called a doctor, the supposed security and status. And I just can't do it. That's not where my heart is, that's not who I am.

Quick (not really) synopsis of how this realization came about:
[Or, why Frontier really was the best month of my life]

Week One of summer staff was...insane. We got off to a rough start, with the swine flu outbreak and all. On Day Three, we found out that 200 of the campers from Katy, TX were being sent home due to contamination, and all 500 campers were shipped off by the end of Day 5. Rough. This is Frontier. Anyway, we had a summer staff meeting after everyone got on the busses, not a great mood around camp, but after the meeting I was hanging out with 6 or 7 other staffers. We started playing Hot Seat in the lobby of our cabin, and that quickly turned into me telling them my life story. I guess this is important because (a) I haven't done that in a long time, and (b) I went pretty deep with it. I talked a lot about my parents and my life in high school, mainly focused on how skewed my idea of love is because of a few different people, mostly from my dad. That and being bred to go to Harvard and be a surgeon pretty much told me that love was to be earned and that too often, I was inadequate. A couple of days later, I had an unfortunate run-in with the (at the time) frustrated camp doctor, which threw me into flashbacks of similar anger-related interactions with my father and memories of my broken childhood. That night I found myself, broken and bawling, on the back porch of my cabin with my summer staff boss, a woman who I'd known for about four days, but who still unfathomably knew how to handle me in my delicate state. I told her my story as well, and I know now that God was bringing me to my knees for a good reason, and in the weeks to come I would see much of His grace and hear much of His voice.

During the second week, an ex-YL staff guy, Tom Wilson, and his wife came and talked to us. And his wife, Linda, is actually a therapist. Funny. So I talked with her, mostly about how things were going with my parents and how that was impacting all the different aspects of my life. And she said something to me that was pretty ground-breaking in that moment, she said that I couldn't go to med school and expect my father to love me for it. Meaning, that going to med school isn't going to fix anything with my family. And another thing, she told me that my father loved me, "he just doesn't know how to, and that's not on you." Which was...completely what I needed to hear from a total stranger, you know? God spoke through her so well, as if to yell, "Guess what, this isn't something you get to worry about anymore, so just give it up." And I think that's when I knew what I had to do. Granted, I think I have always known, but just prevented myself from saying it out loud.

And then, week three rolled along, and I had a conversation with Frontier's camp manager about interning there next summer. And what he more or less said to me was that if I wanted an internship, to just pick up the phone and call him. And of course I had thoughts of committing right then and there, but brought up uncertainties in being available because of summer school for my beloved pre-med biology/spanish-consumed life. He told me to talk to one of the interns, Beth, because she was a year-long intern who was "probably" going to medical school. So of course she walks into my office ten minutes after Steve leaves. And she tells me that she decided during her time at Frontier to not go to med school, because she was going for all the wrong reasons. And I was all, why are we the same person? It was a little creepy, but the good kind of creepy.

And then I got back to Virginia with a very clear and very sweet picture of God directing me toward something: no more med school. So yes, that plan is out the window. The question (and struggle?) is now what to do with that picture. The only thing that really makes me uncomfortable about leaving Wofford is leaving Byrnes Young Life, which is not exactly thriving in comparison to the other Young Life clubs in SpaCo, but then again, this is not about comparison...or really my perception of things at all. It's not about me at all, what I want or think or feel. But yes, I am filling out transfer applications out of what I see to be obedience. And, if God wants me to go, I'm there. No question. I have no loyalties that would prevent me from going if I am so called. But something my friend Zach wrote in his blog a few days ago (something to the tune of, "following God's will as it has been revealed despite where current circumstances lead") struck a cord with me. Does this mean I just peace out and go to Texas? Did God say to go to Texas, or did he just say to not go to medical school? I believe there is a difference that I haven't really considered. I'm not looking for loopholes. I'm comfortable at Wofford, but at the same time, I am completely uncomfortable because I wasn't living in God's complete will over the course of last year. My greatest fear is that I will fall back into the cycle of being obsessed with success that I have become so skilled at. I have a lot of questions, I have even more concerns, there are a lot of variables to be weighed...a lot of responsibilities to be considered...and yet, I am so dissatisfied with my present communion with God. The only way to get His answer is to seek His face, which I am not doing adequately for what my current situation demands. Of this, I am sure...and it's the first thing to be worked on.

Lord,
If I'm doing something other than what You will, put up a block. Show up somehow. Forgive me for not looking to You, for not sitting at Your feet and residing in Your Word. That is where I desire to be. I love you so.

something new and different!

it must've been something i said

I went on a really really great great great run earlier. And I'm listening to Ryan Adam's cover of Wonderwall. Today is a good day.

I'm really only updating because Heather, my friend from Chicago, just left me a Facebook video saying that she was going to come read this , and I figured I needed more than one post since Frontier as to not seem like such a blog slacker. Tomorrow night, I'll be crashing my home YL area's post-camp reunion fiesta! It's not a Young Life party in Atown if I'm not there, basically. I'm trying my best to focus on not wearing my cowboy boots. I'm a little obsessed with them, and Virginia is not exactly cowboy boots territory...a little like how my Texas friends thought my Wallabees were weird, I suppose.

I move back into Wofford on the 31st, so I've got a nice little chunk of time to play with before I have to be serious about life again, so I'm a fan of that since I know people who are moving in this week. I'm working on my plan of attack for acquiring outdoorsy things to go camping with (Mountain Smith bag, Keen trail run shoes, Patagonia shorts, etc.) so all my camping-inclined friends will think I'm cool and plan a trip to go sleep in some forest. Pretty stoked about that. More excited than I was when I found out they have a Rock Band just for country music...so clutch.

I'm out of cool things to talk about...here's a mini survey so you can learn things about my life.

What are you listening to right now?
(I Just) Died In Your Arms - Cutting Crew

Are/were your parents strict?
not strict, just...we don't see eye to eye

Would you go sky diving?
on the to-do list

Do you like cottage cheese?
HAAAATE it.

Have you ever met a celebrity?
taylor swift!

Do you rent movies often?
i'm such a netflix junkie

Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
I'm the proud owner of a disco ball.

Ever walked into a wall?
That's actually how I broke my foot when I was a freshman in high school.

Note: only blog when you have something to say...

of what is to come

I have absolutely not recovered from "I miss Colorado" syndrome. My heart is still there and I long for the time and vulnerability I had with the Lord. That's not to say that He is not present where I am now, it's just that...a lot of other things are, too.

My month on summer staff was a gift of all gifts, and it came to me in a time when I needed the clarity of God more than ever...I mean, if my life was a book, my month away from home was the plot twist, and I can't tell you about it quite yet. Believe me, I want to...but I want to be able to tell this particular story of God's greatness in full.

Since being home, I've spent a lot of time sleeping, some time running, and most of it with people. Frontier showed me how relational I actually am. Shock of my life, an introvert that's relational. But yes, I crave being with people and getting to know them, hurts and fears and crap included, and more than that I crave seeing people process Lord. Not necessarily all the pretty parts of that, I enjoy watching the wrestling matches as well. That's a big reason why summer staff was so clutch for me; it was an environment full of peers who thought nothing of sitting (or more accurately, residing) at the feet of Jesus, and that's the life I want. I want to sit at His feet and I want to hear what He has to say. So yes, I am missing that place greatly.

God spoke at Frontier in a way that I've never experienced before. I was told by the property staff at camp that "nothing like this" had really ever happened in the history of Young Life. First of all, a swine flu outbreak? Really? Sending 200 campers home on Day 3 of our first week of camp and all 500 by Day 5? Really? Having the Work Crew isolated and the threat of camp getting shut down -- of Frontier Ranch, the granddaddy of all YL camps, getting shut down -- looming over our heads? Really? Camp groups canceling, a national flu screening policy, rerouting to other camps? Really? Having our precious camp director lose the love of her life at the end of Week 3? I've never felt like Satan was attacking holy ground as much as this. I remember...Day 1 of Week 2, when all the staff was put on TamiFlu, and some of us were literally packing our bags because we were so sure that we were all going to get sent home...I have never prayed so honestly or so boldly or so openly. Read Psalm 91. I experienced the Truth of that passage, lived it and breathed it for a month. Never have I had so much hope, never have I heard from God so clearly. Forgive me, I have so much to say and share that I'm unsure of where to even begin.

It changed my heart, and it changed the way I see God, not to mention the way I hear from Him, and I know that my life is about to change. In a big way. And I'm still figuring that out...not so much the when or the what, because the when is now. My struggle lies within whether or not I have any say in this particular matter, and to quote Zach, "Not if it's the will of God. If that's what we're dealing with, you've really got no choice here." I love the thought of that. And so I know what I have to do, but there are certain variables to consider. But I can't wait to tell the whole world, but I must be delicate in my delivery. So I'm asking for patience; I'll think on it, and pray on it, and I guess it's about time for me to witness to what I saw God during my time on that mountain. I'll never really be the same because of it, and that scares me, but it ignites the fire in my heart more than that.

better love

so i'm back, but i don't have words yet.




but i do know that frontier ranch is my favorite place in the whole world.
and that it changed my life.
because of the way that the Lord met me there so profoundly.

Colorado Hiatus...

hi friends!

so this is to let the people who read this know that I'll probably not be blogging for about a month because I'll be on Summer Staff for Young Life at Frontier Ranch! Exciting! I'll be back in VA sometime around July 20th. I'm actually flying through GSP, so if you're in Spartanburg, chances pretty great are that I'll see you on my way through. I don't think I'll have internet access, but if I do, I'll be sure to hop on here and tell you some stories.

Have a blessed month, I know I will!

when did I get this obnoxious?

okay, quick post before I head off to the JamFest after party:

So tonight, one of our challenges at this youth thing I've been leading a team at all week was to come up with a team chant/song. So I sat down and rewrote "I'm On A Boat" (with all clean lyrics of course) to be about Tooth Fairies eating Spam (Tooth Fairies is the name of my team, Spam is the mascot of the week...you kind of have to be there to understand). And it was so goooood! I mean, I was impressed with it and the kids had fun getting up on stage and doing it, and we were so sure that we won! But THEN, they annoucned the winners, and said that my team was disqualified because in the rap, we said something about how we were gonna beat this one other team, the Bigfoot team, and so then they gave 1st place to that team. And I was so mad! Everyone had come up to us and said that we did the best, and that we were robbed, etc. I was so mad! And that distracted me the whole rest of the night, especially through the worship set and even into the speaker's message, which is so tragic. And then the speaker started talking about the book of Luke, about the prodigal son. He focused on the second son, the one that was a big jerk to the father when the backslidden son returned, and talked about how bad his attitude was, and what a shame that was.

And it was pretty much like he was talking to me, I might as well of had a big spotlight on me the whole dang time. Talk about a slap in the face. This whole week, I've been so focused on winning. And that's it. And every time my team comes in second, or gets DQ-d, or whatever, I sulk around and have such a bad attitude about it. That was me in high school, I always wanted to be the best, and unfortunately a lot of the time I was, but then when I lost or did poorly, I was obnoxious and had the worst attitude of all time. That challenge tonight wasn't about winning, and it wasn't about shoving my team spirit in the Bigfoot team's face, it was about getting those high school kids excited about being a team up on that stage. I felt like a pretty big loser when I figured that out; I failed as a leader today. I guess when you pray for humility, God will keep giving you opportunities to fall flat on your butt. Praise Him for that.

I don't want to have a bad attitude, and I'm so so so thrilled that God keeps on showing me that life isn't about winning, because that would mean life was about me, about us. But it's not, it's about Him and giving Him the glory! It's not about being a pragmatist, it's not about being competitive, it's about being selfless, and rejoicing when others rejoice, and about leaving the 99 to find the one that strayed, and celebrating when the one returns to the Father. I miss that, we all miss that. But oh man, I love God for speaking through things like He did for me tonight. It was just a game. So I'm gonna go to this after party with that attitude, and I'm gonna go to the church gym with that attitude, and man am I gonna start praying to keep that attitude no matter what I'm doing. The first shall be last and the last shall be first, right? Right.

tornado survivor!

that's right, I survived my very fist real live tornado. I mean, technically we aren't supposed to get those up here in the Appalachian mountains. I was at church, helping out with this big youth thing called JamFest, and we had to go down in the basement and hang out for a while. But everything's fine I guess, there's a big oak tree laying across my back porch, but as far as I know it didn't hit anything super important. Well except my friend's dog died, and if Smudge died in a storm, I would just totally fall apart. I wonder if it's bad to love my dog that much, but oh man I do.

So I mean, all this got me thinking about God of course. Because when you're sitting in a church basement and someone tells you there's a tornado outside, you really want to know where your family is all of a sudden. And of course none of them answered my text messages, so everyone was just freaking out, wanting to know where in town it was (and it actually touched down 2 miles from the church we were in). And I had gotten in a big argument with my parents before I left the house, so of course I was feeling wonderful about that. It's funny how God puts things into perspective for you that quickly. I'm constantly trying to examine my life and see where I have sin habits I'm not taking seriously, or places where I'm missing an opportunity to glorify God. And I walked out of my house and drove to church today, thinking "oh well, same old situation, this is hopeless just like it's always been" because getting along with my parents has just gone from bad to worse since I've been home for the summer. But man...God threw in that tornado and all of a sudden I was really on my knees, ashamed of my apathy. I think the tornado was just for me, really. The same God who can bring a storm can calm a storm, just like He can move a mountain. I forgot that today. God has really neat reminders.

In other news, I leave for Colorado on Friday and I have yet to start packing. Bad news bears. I can't believe I'll be gone for a month. I've never flown before, either. I've always had a fear of flying...big time, so I'm sure it's going to be stressful. Apparantly the Dallas airport has some kind of train inside to move people around between terminals, and I'm just like "what the heck!" but whaaatever. If 5-year-olds can do it, I can too.

My Chaco's and North Face backpack are supposed to come in the mail tomorrow; I'll finally be a real Young Life leader.

I bought the new Jonas Brothers CD (shut up) and it's not even good.

i am far too blessed

This is my new favorite picture ever. It is getting printed and framed and looked at all the time so so so very soon. And it's because of who's in it with me, and it's because I loved the day it was taken. It was this past Thursday, and man I am so sad that I can't fully explain how much joy I find in all of this, I guess you just have to know me. So anyway, I drove up to Rockbridge, which is the Young Life camp in VA to visit a bunch of my friends and leaders from high school who are on summer staff there, which I had been planning to do for a long time, but about a week ago I found out that Morgan was going to be there too. Icing on the cake. Man, it was such a God thing. The whole day. This whole summer, but especially Thusday. I mean...she was supposed to go to a camp out in Washington state, and so I sent her some message to find out when she was going to be there so I could send her mail, and Morgan never answers text messages so I thought it was a long shot anyway, but she did this time and I found out about Rockbridge, and do you know the feeling when you know God is just up there and there's this moment when you're just smiling at each other? Like my heart leapt and I just felt this communion of joy, like straight out of The Shack, where God was just right there in that moment with me and it was like my happiness in that moment made Him smile too. It's a pretty great feeling.

So anyway, I didn't tell her I was visiting, I just showed up and man, it was the greatest. The greatest. She's grown so much spiritually, and it was such a gift to experience that and talk to her about life and get to be a part of each others' for a couple of hours, for that matter. And maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because I've been listening to a lot of Frances Chan stuff lately, but I just feel like I can do anything, and that's because God is a part of who I am. And I've seen enough to know that He can do anything. I mean, look at what He did with Ninevah, and look what He did to me and my heart in light of what things were like at my high school and what things are like in my home life, and look what He's doing for Morgan. And all I want to do now is write Morgan letters and tell her how proud of her I am, and tell her about how I can just see God working in her and making this world, this place, more beautiful through her, and how that really shows me that God can just do anything. And it makes me want to go back to Spartanburg and tell my Young Life girls about that, and just sit around and really take the time to soak in what that really means. Because that's the biggest thing tugging on my heart, the urgency of that message, the urgency of who God is and what He's doing and what that should in turn compel us to do, I guess. It's not med school, honestly, and admitting that scares me. But I'm not really scared of anything anymore. Because maybe it's going to be going to med school and becoming a doctor and going out to the nations and making Jesus famous, and maybe it's Young Life staff, maybe something else, I don't know, but He does. I like to pretend that I know. But He turned my life upside down once with Harvard, and He's doing it again with my parents, and I wouldn't change any of that for anything, and actually, I'd like Him to do it again and I've been praying for Him to do it again because all this stuff has allowed me to see more of who God is and fall down on my face in awe of my insignificance and worship Him with humility.

Thursday made my heart so happy. Like...the rare, good kind of happy. It was probably one of my top ten favorite days; it made me think of where I am, and what I've been through...and I think about all the things the Lord has done for me, and I stop complaining and finding fault in things, and I just smile.

young life is my life

So this morning i actually woke up before noon (that is a big deal) and had coffee and doughnuts (things that are not organic -- also a big deal!) with Abingdon's Young Life Area Director, aka my friend Stacy Dooley. She's the jam. She's one of my peeps up here fo sho. My whole "summer of discernment" kick got me thinking that I really need someone older and smarter and cooler than me to help me grow in my faith and my walk with the Lord, so Stace Face is going to be my Summa 2K9 Life Coach and I'm really pumped about it. We're going to hang out a few times a week and study the Word and basically just figure out where I need to be more disciplined (everywhere!) in my walk, and fuel all that into being a rock star of a Young Life leader, which is really all I want in life.

I have a lot of goals for Byrnes Young Life in the fall. And I figured out that I've been all wrong with how I pray for my ministry with Young Life, I'm all "Hey God, this is really not what I'm used to, and I need you to be a magician and fix things." and it SHOULD be "Lord, I really want to see you move here" and I so do. Young Life has been my biggest challenge at Wofford (I thought it was Botany, but it turns out that I actually did better this semester than last semester) and I really want to step it up. Kyle will be abroad and I really feel like initiative is what's going to hold Byrnes together as a team. Stacy actually challenged me a ton with my attitude with YL in Spartanburg and I really want to focus on how I can change that and glorify God more with my ministry. Because that's all I really care about, with being a Bio major and with being a Young Life leader and with living my life. Because my life wouldn't be my life without Biology and it wouldn't be my life without Young Life. I need both, but I need God more.

Let's see...I've been watching a lot of movies about weddings. Because it's June, and it's wedding seasons, and I am really good at being a wedding guest. And a wedding reception guest. I have to miss a wedding when I'm in Colorado, sad day except not really.

Good news: Smudge has slept 40 out of the last 48 hours.

thunderstorms and name changes and Spam

I keep thinking of really fun things to blog about at like 2am. Mostly because today at 2am, I got woken up by the most rockin' thunderstorm ever ever ever. It was throwing down outside, and the lightnight was horizontal and super close to my house, and my mom fliiiiiipped when I went out and stood on the patio to watch it. Smudge totally hated it, she had her head stuck under my bed for about three hours of misery and I had to give her a bunch of cookies and tell her that life was going to be okay again soon.

Anyway, this morning at church was super rad. I bounce around between churches in Atown, but today I went to Woodland Hills Church of Christ (I typed out the name for a reason, stay tuned) with my friend Sally because she's moving to the dang Czech Republic in two weeks, which is the weirdest/neatest thing ever. Pastor Paul talked about creating a contagious culture, and about representation, and mostly about worship, and it was so neat, but the neatest part is that they're changing the name of that church! Cool, I know, right? They're changing it to Woodland Hills Christian Church to better portray to the community what they're about, which I think is rockin and bold and all kinds of other stuff. I really like Pastor Paul. I went to the church across the street from WHCC all through high school, and their pastor is named Paul as well, and sometimes I'll pop over there because those guys are my church family, but man oh man do I love Pastor Paul's teaching. He's got nothing on Richard, though, but I think those two would get along.

I would like to leave for Colorado today, please. It's a bummer that I have to wait for that a little while longer. But I get to do lots of fun things before that, like my half marathon training (bahaha...I am currently a fan because I don't have to run again until Tuesday according to that fun little guy), and a road trip to a YL camp here in VA, and this fun thing called JamFest which is a big youth rally week, and I get to lead a team on to total victory this year. I'm the bobbing for SPAM (yes, you read that correctly. It's like bobbing for apples. But better.) champion, so I'm gonna have to train a new pro. Nothing i can't handle. I think I have the neatest life ever.

virginia is for boring people.

I have the best dog on the face of the planet. Her name is Smudge, she's an Irish Wolfhound and I don't remember life without her. She weighs a million pounds and all she does is lay on my bed all day long, so since it's summer I've been focusing on taking a nap with her every single day because she loves that so much. Mom says that whenever I'm gone at school, she just mopes around the house all day. People think I'm kidding when I say I'm going home just to visit my dog, because that's really what I'm doing. We're best friends, and I don't think anyone else will ever love me as much as she does. I think I'm okay with that.

Abingdon is pretty...boring. It's pretty, too...but mostly boring. I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with Young Life leaders and kids up here. I love YL here...it's so comfortable and wonderful and I just love the people. I guess because Young Life up here is what captured my heart and spurred me on towards becoming more like Jesus, so I just love being around my old leaders that helped me through high school. I've been helping lead some Bible studies up here, and the other day I got up at 7am to go hang out at a coffee shop with some 9th graders, and we read through the story of David & Goliath and it was such a fun way to start off the day. I stayed after they went off to school and read a little bit more of Jeremiah, and it's really been convicting to me. It reminds me of Hosea, because the early chapters talk a lot about how we're unfaithful to the Lord, but how He loves us through our lack of consistent faithfulness. So good.

I really want God to do something ridiculous to my life. I was sitting in best friend Caroline's living room until 1am last night talking to her about how I don't feel like the last year has really changed how I feel about where God is calling me to go with my life. And that really bothers me, actually. Because you know what, if I'm trying to discern between medicine and ministry...whichever one God tells me to do is pretty much going to shake up evertything, and I don't like thinking about what that might mean. I've grown so much in my walk with Him, but I just don't listen to God. I drove around town for about an hour, because that's what I do when I need to think, and then came home and watched the Nooma "Noise"...and it was about how sometimes we try to hear God in the wind and the storms and stuff, when we're really supposed to hear Him in silence. And that's what I want to do this summer. This whole summer. I just want to shut the heck up and listen to God, just like Mary...I want to sit at the feet of Jesus and just listen.

i fought the law and the law won

Isn't that BEAUTIFUL? That's the view from the deck of the Young Life camp I'll be working at for a month this summer out in Colorado. I'm freaking pumped, in case you couldn't tell. Sad day though, because I don't get to leave for that until June 20th! I'm not a good waiter.

So it's officially summertime in Virginia and I don't know what to do with myself. I've only been "home" for less than a week; I spent a few days after commencement at Wofford down in Myrtle Beach with some of the girls from my hall (Marsh 2! Whoop whoop!) and it was soooo ridiculous but suuuch a joy. The beach is actually one of the many many places where I feel close to God...I just sat out out the shore, and it made me think about the beauty and complexity of Creation, how God made something as powerful and mighty as the ocean, but then also knew where exactly to make it stop, so that I can sit a foot in front of the tide coming in. So cool. But then, after getting a nice sunburn (which is now a tan, no worries) and a fabulous 7-hour drive on roads in a really pretty part of NC I've never driven through before, it was time to come back to Southwest Virginia for a while. And I don't want to waste my time here; I have three months of respite, one of which is already going to be dedicated to serving and growing spiritually out in Colorado. So today I made a plan! Well not really, but I figured out things I want to accomplish.

Read more Bible than ever before!. My Biblical knowledge is not stellar, granted I only figured out about a year ago that being in the word on a daily basis was a pretty important thing, but it's been a hang-up in my personal and life-on-life ministry. So I really want to commit to diving deep into the word and wrestling with God on what it really means, applying that to my life, and then telling people about it. I'm going through Jeremiah, and I just love the first chapter, because it's a really beautiful picture of one of God's promises. Basically, I like Jeremiah's modesty--he's so taken aback at the fact that he should be a prophet to the nations! And he's feeling all unqualified, but then it goes on to assure us that even if we do not know God's work, God does, and He will graciously stand by us and carry us and equip us and provide for us! Neat. Jeremiah is up there on my list of favorite books of the Bible, and going through it is sort of a long process, but it helps me to go back and look through a commentary as I go (I like Matthew Henry's...or the Coffman Commentaries).

Run and run and run. Yeah, I'm a workout nerd. I'm missing Richardson more than I thought was possible. And all the gyms in Abingdon are pretty lame (no spinning classes, Allison) so I'm committing to becoming a better runner. My neighborhood is about a mile around, mostly uphill if you run in the right (but paaainful) direction, so I try to run it a few times every night (granted, this is day 2 of that plan and my quads are dying). My favorite running song is "I Fought the Law" by Green Day, haha. My goal is to work on a nice 5K time and find some races when I get back from CO. But I'm having a hard time with this, because I've been doing my ab regimen before my running, and my abs will totally cramp up about a mile into my workout and it's killer! And I can't give up abs, so I think I'm just going to have to separate the two. Pre-cardio ab workouts just don't work out. I'm such a workout nerd. I cut out white carbs and high fructose corn syrup from my diet. Doesn't that sound like something an old person would do? Yes, it does.

Go to the OR.Not to have surgery, but to watch it! My dad works at a hospital with a pretty ballin' OR setup, and I know a bunch of the surgeons, so I figure that I should use my good networking skills to continue to discern if God is calling me to go into surgery. I really think He might be; my dad and I were putting together this bookcase I went out and bought, and I did all the drilling, and we got into a conversation about burr holes (that's when someone's gone unconscious from a head trauma, usually because of a subdural hematoma, and so they'll take this sweet drill and just put some holes in your skull to relieve the pressure. The best part is the drill knows to stop right after the skull has been drilled through, so none of the soft matter of the brain gets messed up) and I want to dooooo that. I want to drill holes in peoples' brains. That sounds so messed up. But when God gives someone a passion, He gives someone a passion. And a lot of people never want to drill holes in skulls. That's all I'm saying. Actually, I want to specialize in whatever will be best for doing pro-bono work overseas, but I figure neuro or ortho or cardio will be what I go with. Annnyway, I'll probably be watching some sweet operations and talking to some surgeons about the intricacies of what they do. There's one guy that I've never even met, but he knows about me through Dad, and he's from near Spartanburg and wanted to know where I went to church and knew about Young Life, so I'm excited to meet him. I want to be serious about science (and skull drilling, that's so neat) AND serious about Jesus and I really think that God will give me the strength to do both and do both well.

Okay, I'm done rambling about running and abs and carbs and brains. For today. Oh, summer...

no puedo dormir.

I caaaaan't sleep.

That's probably because I slept like 12+ hours last night (not as wonderous as it sounds, too much sleep leads no zero alertness allllll day) and have been drinking diet coke like it's my job since noon. I do dumb things like this a lot. I have my alarm set for five hours from now (chances me getting out of bed at that time = 0%)

I'm at home this weekend, chillin with my family and insane (and by insane I mean awesome) dog, Smudge. Plus Caroline and Elizabeth. Because let's be real, what's the real reason I hit up Atown? [answer: to see Carol & Iz] I am in high demand in this place...every time I pop in for a visit, I get about 30 text messages from various friendy friends (Sally, I looove you) demanding to know why I did not inform them promptly upon my arrival that I would be here, thus producing a guilt trip like no other...I can't help it that I'm so popular. Because here's the issue: I hang out with my peeps, and then my parents get all offended that I didn't spend that time watching weird tv shows with them (because that's what they usually do, regardless of whether or not I'm home). Yeah...my life is hard.

Actually, my life is a soap opera. It would be a great sitcom, ask anyone. Exciting (and by exciting I mean stressful) things are always happening to me. I never get bored; I guess that is a plus. Buuut, my life being overly dramatic is why I came home. Shenanigans (and by shenanigans, I mean ridiculous things that juuuust don't happen to anyone else ever) went down this week, and they were the kind of shenanigans that just make you think about your life and what the heck you've been doing with it...and I don't even know what I'm saying, but I promise that I have a point. Anyway, it was an emotional couple of days and everyone was asking questions, and I just had to keep my mouth shut about it (WHICH IS SO HAAAARD FOR ME TO DO) and just needed to get away and hang out with God and figure out what He's been saying through this mess. So you know in Moby-Dick (you probably don't, I'm probably the only freak of nature who's weird enough to voluntarily read that book) when Ishmael is talking about wanting to knock everyones' hats off and just needs to get to the sea as fast as possible? Well that's what I did, I am taking to the sea. Usually when I do that, I'm running away from my problems...but I already fixed it, so it wasn't that. I just needed to get where I could shut out the world and just listen to Jesus. And this particular lesson has been like...4 years in the making, and if I tell you everything I figured out today, this will be the longest blog post in America.

(Here it is -->) Point: Usually, when you're so dependent on something and then start praying for God to shake away things in your life that are keeping you from keeping your eyes fixed only on Him, HE WILL DO IT. He'll answer that prayer, aaaand fast. And the thing about that is...it knocks you on your butt and it takes you a while to stop being a little girl about it. And then when you stand back up again, there's just this confidence that things are going to be so much better now that you've gotten a distraction out of your relationship with God. Because isn't it so unfortunate that we think we know what's best for us? We so don't, and things would be a lot easier if we just grasped God's sovereignty and rested in it more often. That's really what we're being called to dwell in. If God wants something to happen, it will. If he doesn't, it won't. And usually we can't see past the day we're stuck in. And that's because His ways are higher and better than ours, and...what's a better comfort than that? We're scared, and we think that God is holding back good things from us, and when we get stuck in that fear, we really start to question God's integrity, and think things like, "What if He's not really for me?" and "What if He's keeping something from me?" which are just complete and total lies. OF COURSE He is for us. No good thing does He withhold from us, I loooove that verse. What would life be like if we really trusted that...that no matter how awful we think our circumstances are, or get stuck when we get dealt a bad card...God is irrevocably for us and isn't ever going to hold something back from us. There's a lot of peace in that, and I want to start living in that right there.

I got dealt a pretty crappy hand this week. And it's probably going to mean that some things in my life change. But I know that it's okay...because God brought it about...so of course it's okay. Because I trust Him.

muy importante

So leave it to the one and only Sally Jackson to let me know that it's been too long since I last blogged! Love her.

Life is great! I'll tell you all about it -- list style:

1. Last week was Spring Break 2K9, whoop whoop! I went back home to Abingdon, VA the whole time and it was muy interesante, I'll tell you that much.

2. I had oral surgery on Monday! It was great. (Note: I like having surgery and yes, I do know how unique that trait happens to be.) However, there were slight complications. I would tell you, but I am a surgery nerd and the story's a little gross. I try to be sensitive for those of you who don't share my affinity for this stuff.

3. Oral surgery is not fun. Because you can't eat or talk or move or nap. And you're on drugs the whole time, so you don't remember dumb things that you do/talk about. AND I wasn't allowed to brush my teeth for 3 days. AND I have to use a toothbrush for babies. (Bonus: It has Eeyore on it.)

4. I made two road trips to Blacksburg! The first one was to see some high school friends who go to Radford and Virginia Tech (holla!) and the second one (drumroll please...) was to get my MacBook! It is very shiny and wonderful, but I am a recovering PC user, so if you would like to educate me about Apple, please holla!

5. My mother is going through her mid-life crisis (Note: reason for frivolous purchase of said MacBook). She bout the entire Emeril cookware set, and a deep fryer, and started asking me what I knew about the stock market...I don't like where this is headed.

6. 90% of break involved flapping around with Caroline, Elizabeth, and/or Bridget and it was just wonderful. Highlights include spending $30 at Taco Bell, new knowledge of all the words to "Man! I Feel Like A Woman", a reminder of my disdain for ice cream, and lots of talking about Jesus.

7. March 31 was the one year anniversary of the day I didn't get into Harvard!!! Whoop Whoop! And yes, maybe it's a little weird that I celebrate something that totally wrecked me at the time, because I was pretty crushed about it and went through a little crisis time, but it's the heart of my testimony because it forced me to stop looking at the world and start looking at Jesus and live in the midst of His perfection with the new knowledge that I neeeevvverrrr would be. My parents think I am a big big big freak, which is why the Harvard Party did not happen at mi casa. Caroline made me a cake. I think it's pretty ballin that I had to have surgery (thus confining me to home for the entirety of SB09) and got to celebrate the most important day of my life with the girls from my Bible study in high school (Caroline and Elizabeth, gold star if you met them during their visit!). They pretty much helped me get back on my feet after the whole "Hey, guess what, I didn't get into any of the 16 colleges I applied to" crisis and IT WAS AWESOME to have a week of being able to get quiet and reflect on my growth over the past year.



And that is just about it...now I'm back at Wofford (currently taking a "study break") and loving the fact that it is warm here and snowing back home! And I know what you're thinking ("But Amanda...I thought you loved snow!") and I'll just say that I had enough 40 degree days in Virginia...I'm ready for some sun! And I'm ready for Ab-Lab and Acorn Cafe nights and United and Marsh 2 shenanigans.

6 weeks left of freshman year, isn't that ridic? I can't believe it. This month is going to FLY and it's going to be HARD and I am EXCITED. I dropped my Religion class (The Christian Faith...which actually has nothing to do with the Christian faith...listen to people when they tell you that) so I'm hoping that my life will be a little bite easier. Yeah, right. I no longer have classes on Tu/Thu, so here's to hoping that I don't squander that study time by sleeping in until 11. Because that's not fair to the rest of you.

In other news...I got the best e-mail of all time today! I've been dabbling in philanthropic/non-profit/humanitarian organizations, mostly Compassion International, and they partnered with Flannel/Rob Bell and helped underwrite the newest NOOMA video! It came out this month and it's called Corner; here's its little summary from Flannel's website:

Why is it that often when we get what we want, we still feel empty? We work so hard to succeed, but our lives just end up becoming more about us. Can success turn on us? Can we get caught up in a smaller world where our lives are all about the things that we want? Or is there another way to live? Where life is about more than just us. Where we see people in need and we do something about it. Where our world is expanding because we are sharing our success. And maybe in attempting to save someone else from their suffering, we find out that we are actually the ones being saved.

Aaaand here's the link to watch it! I don't know if it will be up here forever, but here's hoping:
You definitely want to click this!


Also, I'm getting a pair of TOMS! Which is so exciting! Here's a fun pic:



My mom called me a hippie when I told her I wanted these. But that's okay. And Bennett said everyone would make fun of me if I got gold sparkly Toms...but if someone at Wofford can pull off a pair of gold sparkly Toms, I have a pretty good feeling that my name's all over that job description.


And that's all I have for now...back to work for me. Sad day, right? In the meantime, here are some ballin' songs that I can't get out of my head:

1. Can't Get Enough of Your Love - Barry White (don't judge me...)
2. Love Song for a Savior - Jars of Clay (the version from their Closer EP)
3. I Run To You - Lady Antebellum
4. Try A Little Tenderness - Michael Buble
5. Holy One - Rush of Fools
6. The Bride - Lecrae
7. Surely We Can Change - David Crowder Band

Now do me a favor...and have a great day!

happy day!

Well, am I a blog slacker or what?

Or what.

Anyway, I made a great decision last night. Which means that I gave up facebook for Lent. And I don't really know that I practice Lent (I don't really have a denomination, I am winging it basically and I have been told that this is acceptable), but I like the idea behind it. I can make time to flap around on facebook for hours, but not hang out with Jesus? Stupid.

Last night was a night of many good things. Which means that we had United! And it was SOOOOO GOOOOOD. We sang "How Can I Keep From Singing?" and that is one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs. After United, Mesha and I went outside and then Drew Parks taught us how to longboard! A longboard is the same thing as a skateboard, except longer. Mesha is a CHAMP at this but I am SO BAD and it took me a long time to stay on that thing without holding onto Mesha. I am pathetic, I know. But then I got the hang of things, fear not. So now Mesha and I are going to go buy longboards and I am sooooo excited! I forgot to mention that I totally wiped out in the middle of the road. It is a good thing that I was only going about 2mph or I might have broken a bone. But that is why I am buying a helmet tomorrow. After that, Carol and I rocked out to some Ay Bay Bay while I wrote a Spanish paper. I am not very good at Spanish, but I try.

I am learning a whoooole lot of things. Mostly about being real. And about loving people. I just want to love people and talk to people and invest in people and then hang out with Jesus...all this other junk (like dumb school) is just in the way. And that is a bummer in the summer.

I am in the libarary (Estoy en la biblioteca, take that!) just flappin' around, so I think I am going to go back to my room and see what Carol is up to. I will leave you with a Max Lucado quote about how loved you are. :)

"Can anything make me stop loving you?" God asks. "Watch me speak your language, sleep on your earth, and feel your hurts." Behold the maker of sight and sound as He sneezes, coughs, and blows His nose. You wonder if I understand how you feel? Look into the dancing eyes of the kid in Nazareth; that's God walking to school. Ponder the toddler at Mary's table; that's God spilling His milk.

"You wonder how long my love will last? Find your answer on a splintered cross, on a craggy hill. That's me you see up there, your maker, your God, nail-stabbed and bleeding. Covered in spit and sin-soaked. That's your sin I'm feeling. That's your death I'm dying. That's your resurrection I'm living. That's how much I love you."

"Can anything come between you and me?" asks the firstborn Son.
Hear the answer and stake your future on the triumphant words of Paul: "I am sure that neither death, nor life, not angels, not ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, nor anything else in the whole world will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39).

kindergarten best friends

So I am sitting in the Commons right next to Mesha (hollat atcha girl!) and today has been pretty...chill. We got up at 8 to go work out for a while and then I did lazy things like read Othello and facebook stalk.

But right now, most of our best friends in America are over in a little country that we like to call Guatemala...and that gets a big ol' "sad day!" from me because there is basically nothing to do. My roommate called Mesha and I kindergarten best friends because we more or less spend every waking not-in-class hour together being silly. I am not so sure that I like this whole interim thing...there is too much weird time. Not even free time, it's weird time. I am excited for second semester to start for a bunch of reasons, but mostly because I will get my routine back (sort of).

But that is about all I have time for right now on the count of I have to go pack for WINDY GAP!!! I have a Young Life leadership weekend there and I am pumped out of my mind, because what is more fun than hanging out at YL camp with a bunch of YL leaders? Nothing. Except maybe hanging out with people that may or may not be in another country right now. That is a bummer in the summer, so I guess that Jesus is like, "Amanda, why don't you go off to Young Life camp for a weekend to take your mind off of things?" and so I was like, "Okay Jesus, I will do that."

And I can't wait to get back to campus so I can carry on with Interim shenanigans like having swing dance practice in my room at 9pm randomly. And also watching Paolo breakdance. Because that is a joy in my life.

gimme dat fire

So I am back from DC, whoop whoop! Conference was crazy amazing...I don't even know where to begin with that action. God put a lot of things on my heart this week for sure! It mostly had to do with my family and then Ephesians 5; allow me to elaborate.

So I left Abingdon earlier this week on a really really bad note with my mom and dad. Like I said before, they're not saved, and it's really easy for me to get frustrated with our differences. And so three weeks of frustration was wearing on me; I was glad to get out of the house early and made that pretty clear. I more or less had an "I'm over this, we're never going to get along, I'm a Jesus-loving BA" attitude. Contrary to how I felt at the time, that was no bueno. Over the course of the week, I had been sharing my testimony with people, girls in my room, and I even shared about Harvard in front of 200-ish people during a seminar about academic barriers keeping us from God. I felt like I was on a roll. So anyway, one night at a very awkward dinner out in the city (they randomly split us into groups so we would meet new people from Wofford) I was talking about the situation with my parents with John Bumgardener. And I mean everything, the whole Bio-major-by-force deal, the whole atheist/agnostic thing. And then something really really really ridiculous happened. I was sitting next to a senior girl, and i guess that she had been listening, but she basically told me that an easy way to "fix this" would be to legally emancipate myself from my parents. No, I am not kidding. And I was immediately offended. Like, did not talk the rest of dinner, did not go to a Christian rap concert that night just so I could sit in the lobby and talk to Mesha and Bennett about what happened. Like, I was really upset. And then later on when I got done with my dumb emotions, I started thinking about why I was upset. This girl didn't know me, I had met her 3 days ago and had barely said 3 words to her. She didn't know the situation well...and that made me realize that I must have been discussing it in such a flippant and apathetic manner, it must have sounded like I wanted a quick fix or a way out. I got upset with her because that is the opposite of what I want with my parents...so why am I going around talking about it like I'm sick of it or like I don't care about their hearts. That just really broke me down. So later on in one of our group rallies, the speaker asked us to have a time of prayer in small groups about something that we had on our hearts, and I just walked away from all the girls that I knew, and went to the back of the room and got on my knees, literally face down on the floor. And I started just praying and praying and praying that God would give me the strength to be the daughter that he had called me to be. To love my parents well, because I had been gloriously failing at that, because this is something that I have to decide to do every single day. There's no quick fix. There's no button to push to get me through the hard part, I just have to stick with it. And I prayed that over and over and over again, asking God to please help me to love my parents the way He has called me to love them rather than the way I had been. And He can do that, I can't. Anyway, it was just a really amazing revelation and I'm pretty sure that's why God brought me to Conference. I was supposed to stay in Greenville with Steph last night and just hang out with her until it was time to go to Wofford, but I called my mom on the way home and asked if I could just come on home. And I did, I left Greenville at about 11:30, got home at about 2am, and Mom was waiting up for me (even though I told her not to) with some tea; she was so so happy. And she's just been smiley all day, it really is a blessing.

Other than that, I really worked on studying the Word all week with one of my roommates, Jennifer. She's another senior at WoCo and she's really grown in Christ through Campus Outreach, but Jesus did something cool to me through her this week. It seems like everyone at Wofford is all, "I want to know who I'm going to marry" and "I am 20, but I want to just settle down already" and it's making my head spin a lot. And for some reason I've been thinking about dating, half thanks to the fact that Mesha and I talk/debate about it all the time and half because everyone around me is getting married. And she wanted to study Ephesians 5 one morning, where it talks about a man loving a woman as Jesus loved the church. And the way she talked about it was really beautiful, and it helped me figure out that since I am content in Christ, that is sufficient for now. You know? Like...I want to be irresistible in the Spirit, because of how in love I am with Christ, not irresistible because of flirtation or manipulation or something superficial and flippant and physical. And that was just a really really really wonderous realization.

And those have been my two big struggles lately. I almost didn't want to go to Conference. The morning I was supposed to leave, I was like, "Jesus, I really just want to stay in bed." And he was like, "Amanda, get in the car." So I did, and I'm glad that happened. Other than the spiritual aspect, Conference was SO MUCH FUN. We just ran around DC all the time, but we also had the most amazing amazing amazing ballin' out of control New Year's Eve party of all time. We got in there at 10, had about 9 trillion glow sticks and glow in the dark stuff, and just sang worship music with the band until the ball dropped. It was hands down the best new year's I've ever had; 2009 started and the fist thing we did was sing praises to Jesus. In fact, the first song we sang was "Happy Day" by Tim Hughes (which I did not know I had on my iPod until after the fact). So much fun. And then we had a dance party until like 2 or 3 in the morning, which you KNOW I was all about. We listened to a lot of Christian rap music, which was amazing. And good for me, because I took all the secular rap off my iPod because it was really hurting my witness, and now I can listen to it and rep the King at the same time. Goodness.

So I am getting ready to go hang out with some girls from my discipleship group in high school and then it's off to Sparkle City in the morning! Excitement! I'll leave you with some more song recs and then a video of some rap about lovin' Jesus.


1. Gimme Dat - The Ambassador
2. Joyful Noise - Lecrae
3. Hands High - Lecrae
4. The Stand - Hillsong United
5. Majesty - Delerious