five months.

i haven't updated in that long!

two days after my last post, i found out that a friend of mine was murdered, and since then life has been a little insane. i feel like i tell this story once a day, but she and her boyfriend were shot at a campground near Virginia Tech, and five months later, the police still don't have any leads. That's what hurts my heart the most, still. I moved back into Wofford a few days after their funerals and just never really...snapped out of grieving mode? It was pretty bad now that I look back on it, I never dealt with it well; I just tried to power through my feelings and just trudged through life, day after day. I had a lot of other things going on at the time, too; I was thinking about transferring to Texas A&M and dropping my Bio major at Wofford, plus Young Life in Spartanburg was getting pretty messy with its leadership and I was more or less thrown into being in charge of YL at my high school at a time when I was nowhere near emotionally ready for that. I guess I went from September to November trying to get through the days, and I was just...doing it all wrong. When somebody that good dies...you just want people to notice, you know? You just want to yell, "No, wait, did anybody just see what happened?" but it was pretty unfair of me to expect the whole world to stop, and it took a really really long time for me to let God grab my attention and stop freaking out. The week before Thanksgiving, I was clinically diagnosed with situational depression and started going to Christian counseling in Spartanburg, where I was advised to take a medical leave of absence from school; so I did. I packed up and left just before Thanksgiving break and didn't receive credit for anything from last semester (which is good, because I was basically failing everything at that point). And I finally felt like I could breathe, because at least I would get a second chance with Wofford (I'm going back for spring semester on Feb 8th), but going home wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. There were a lot of ups and downs, a lot of different anti-depressants with a LOT of different side effects, a lot of questions, not a lot of answers, and not a lot of peace.

Things did get better! Thanks to good friends and people, Windy Gap, about 8 doctors, a lot of grace and a lot of Jesus, I'm on the other side of what has been the deepest, darkest, steepest valley I've ever trudged through. It feels good, so so good, to be sitting on the mountain, being able to reflect on the last five months. And when I think about everything Jesus has done for me...how much he means to me...I just cry. The good kind of crying, though. I cry a lot these days. I think about her a lot, about both of them, Heidi and David. I want so badly for there to be some breakthrough in this case, mostly for the sake of their families. I'm glued to the news, and their families just say the greatest things, and I always go write them on my prayer board, like when David's dad said, "I want whoever is responsible for this to know that forgiveness is available," and then their funerals were so beautiful, I go back and watch them sometimes. Not to mope, but just to be reminded how good things have come from this, people have met Jesus because of this, even in their deaths they were a testimony to Christ and as Laura, Heidi's mom, said, "God's purposes are greater than what someone intended for evil."

So, here I am, on the mountain and I am ready to move forward again with a newfound sweetness in my heart for the intricacies of Jesus. I cling to him tighter than ever, worship him more than ever, and love him more than ever. And now I'm just ready to turn around and be salt and light and love more than ever. The last thing that Heidi had up on her Facebook was Colossians 1:29, and I can't help but end this with the surrounding scripture:

"I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.
We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me."
Colossians 1:24-29

This is an interview with Heidi and David's pastor, from way back in the fall:
http://www.foxnews.com/search-results/m/26131672/no-leads.htm