take to the sea

I have found, lately, that my emotional state tends to vary between extremes. I'm not used to this; I'm used to feeling great all the time. When I was a junior in high school, I chose to read Moby-Dick for some analytical reading thing; it was the longest one from our selection and I'm nothing if not a show-off. But I actually enjoyed it. I would say it's my favorite, but then I remember the 20-page narrative marathons about the unpleasant greyness of the sky. Anyway, my favorite part of the whole book in in the first chapter:

Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off - then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings towards the ocean with me.

And that's how I feel a lot sometimes. I'll admit that I have a tendency to hermit and overthink and run away from my problems. But I found my sea, finally.

Whenever I get sad...or whenever I hate a moment or a day even a little, I put on jeans and my summer staff shirt and my cowboy boots and I go lay out in my yard, pretend that it is a sunday night, and turn on drew holcomb & the neighbors. And sometimes, if the breeze is blowing right, I can trick myself into thinking that I'm on the back porch of Lariat or sitting at Sunset Point, or maybe down in the grass overlooking the valley. And it makes everything okay again.

may you see drops like stars

what up, fool?

well...the day has come; I am officially the only one left in Abingdon. Everyone is off to college, so I've got a week to get all ready to head back to South Carolina. Packing has never ever ever been my thing. It's the only thing I have ADD with; I'd rather learn about Botany than pack. This is not a drill.

So anyway, I was out getting going away presents yesterday, and I got the whole set of Rob Bell books for Caroline, because I want her to read them anyway but I'm too attached to my copies right now to send them to Knoxville. And, I found the greatest thing ever! The NEW Rob Bell book is out! It's called Drops Like Stars, and I was a little surprised because it's not a little paperback, it's this HUGE hardcover book! (My advice: don't buy it at a bookstore. I paid $35 for it and then found out that it's $23 on amazon.com. Oh well, you live and learn.)

IT IS SO GOOD. I had been planning on going to the Drops Like Stars tour, and this just made me even more excited about it! Rob will be in Charlotte on October 7th, and I am so there. Even if I have to go alone...which I doubt, haha. Here's the tour teaser:

We plot, we plan, we assume things are going to go
A certain way and then they don’t and we find ourselves
In a new place, a place we haven’t been before, a place
We never would have imagined on our own,

And so it was difficult and unexpected and maybe even
Tragic and yet it opened us up and freed us to see
Things in a whole new way

Suffering does that—
It hurts,
But it also creates.

How many of the most significant moments in your
Life came not because it all went right, but because
It all fell apart?

It’s strange how there can be art in the agony…

fear, or something like it.

today was a pretty great hair day.

i spend most of my life these days either a) laying on caroline's bed watching her pack for college, or b) eating breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner with people i haven't spent real time with in a year. That's my little cycle. For instance, on Tuesday night I had dinner with some of my friends from high school, then last night I went out to a little Abingdon townie pizza place called Bella's with the same group minus one person. And then I met two of those girls again for breakfast today, then went and had a pedicure and lunch with one of those girls...and tomorrow morning I have a breakfast date with the original four girls that this all started with on Tuesday. What the heck? I mean, I like it, but I've spent like $50 on pizza and breakfast sandwiches and potato soup in like...48 hours. And when I'm not eating food with friends from high school, I'll just roll over to Caroline's and see what she's up to. What a life I have.

But there's more to all this...I've discovered (or observed, more like it) something a little unsettling. When I'm home, I hang out with some derivative of two basic groups of people. Group A is the three girls that were my d-group during my senior year of high school; Caroline, Bridget, and Lauren. They're all a year younger than me. Then, Group B is made up of girls I actually graduated with; Julie, Julia, Jessica, and Brittney. And I've been around both groups pretty much every day this week, and I noticed today that every single one of those girls is either in some sort of serious relationship, the only exception being Bridget, and she just got out of one. And it makes me feel like a third grader. Like, I have had absolutely nothing at all to contribute to any conversation I've "had" this week, because they've all been centered around these boyfriends. And it's weird. I never noticed it before. Everyone around me right now is in sort of serious relationship...and it's a little suffocating. I don't mean that to sound like I don't want to be around people, I just think it's a little...funny. Maybe that's why people think I'm quiet all of a sudden, because I don't have anything to add to the "how we first met" story times, and can't talk about things that my boyfriend does that drive me nuts, and I can't really give any of them advice on anything either, so I just sit there and drink my diet coke and take it all in. And it's not like all my close Abingdon friends are about to get married or anything, it's just that a couple of them are in pretty legit long-term relationships; I'm talking about girls my age with third year anniversaries coming up next month. And I'm pretty sure that most of them "see themselves" marrying the guys they're with.

And it's starting to make me feel defective. I mean, I don't have low self-esteem or anything like that, but I feel like I just noticed this and missed the boat on some "this is what you're supposed to be doing right now" memo in girl world. I mean, I made the conscious decision to not date my first year of college, because I wanted to fall all the way back in love with the Lord before I thought about that sort of relationship with a man of God. And my best reasoning for that desire stems from two long-term experiences; one from my parents teaching me that love was to be earned, the second from pseudo-dating a boy for two years in high school who made me feel like no one else would ever ever love me. All in all, I started college with the skewed notion that I was completely inadequate in and would never be worthy of love. And I know this to be untrue; I know that God tells me otherwise. He tells us, "All beautiful you are, my darling. There is no flaw in you" in Song of Solomon. I know and trust fully that God loves me, all crap included. My hang-up, however, is believing that people do. I mean, shove me in a room with that guy from high school and it's like, all of a sudden my confidence shatters and there's a voice in my head saying, "You're not pretty. You're not fun. Nobody wants to be around you, you have nothing to offer, you're worthless," which I strongly believe is Satan trying to completely wreck my life. And I don't think there's anything I hate more than that. So this one situation with that one guy has affected and scarred me so deeply that I never ever want to get close to another guy. I have zero desire to date, I have zero desire to even entertain that thought. I'm not ready for that, at all. I mean, I think about it sometimes, but then when I say no when I get asked out by or set up with perfectly nice guys. When I got back from Frontier, people were a little shocked that I didn't come home claiming that I was in a relationship. So what it boils down to is that I'm actually pretty disappointed in myself that I haven't bounced back from this relational catastrophe from high school. I mean, for two years, I had this big "stay away" tag on me because I was chasing after some idiot who backed out on prom two years in a row and only really "liked me" when it was convenient. He was not my boyfriend. On the other hand, he wasn't just a friend either. Instead, our relationship was elastic, stretching between those two extremes depending on whether one of us needed the other for something, if there was a dance or some big event coming up where a date was necessary, and other varying factors. This was exactly what I wanted, as commitments had never really been my thing. And it wasn't like it was hard, either. The only trick was never giving more than you were willing to lose. And that turned into a big mess where I literally was existing in desperation, I never really "gave up hope" until he started outwardly emotionally abusing me, and by the time I realized that was going on, it was pretty embarrassingly late in the game. And I never did anything physically scandalous, I've never even kissed anyone, so that really tells me that all this pain and reservation is strictly emotional. I've been in these big awful emotionally deteriorating situations and I can't really sing praises about them; I feel unloveable and unwanted, and am at the point where I'm about to move to Texas and only come home for Christmas because I feel like my relationship with my parents is going nowhere fast; I don't really know I believe them when they say they love me. They do, they just don't know how. One day I'm going to feel safe, and happy, and wanted. Surely I am those things now, but I don't see it or feel it or know it to be true because if I have ever felt loved by someone, it's been temporary or very conditional and I can't live that way. I can't love that way, that's not what Love even is. Because I've seen what love is; God is love, and I have Him, so I have real love. Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.

And yet, I have pain, but I also have all this contentment within Christ. I'm actually pretty confused as to what my problem actually is...that I have the love of God but won't let myself accept human love? I can't figure this out, really. I was talking to a staff wife at Frontier who is actually a therapist, and I remember making the comment to her that I would be okay if no one ever really loved me, because I knew that God did and that was good enough for me. And she was a little taken aback at that I guess, and she grabbed my hand and said, "Oh honey, but He doesn't intend for life to be that way."

I still can't really figure out this Texas deal. It all fits together somehow, I know it does. Somebody somewhere is going to love me, or maybe someone already does, and maybe they're in Virginia, or maybe they're at Wofford, or maybe they're in Texas. And maybe my parents will become followers of Christ, and maybe everything will work out. I'm pretty sure it will work out. I'm not even sad about all these things...I mean, I am, but it's not the kind of sad that overwhelms my life and robs me of my joy, and for that I know I am lucky.

I guess this is all what makes me the way I am. I guess figuring it all out is why I'm so quiet.

scared? maybe a little.

this week has been so very wonderful. i finally feel like things are beginning to smooth out. i mean...i haven't done anything groundbreaking or had some big beautiful epiphany or figured my life out, but things feel...better.

Lauren left for Wheaton today! Caroline and Bridget go Saturday, and then all my friends from home that I graduated with leave this weekend as well, so it's Goodbye Week 2K9. And I guess I should be sad or something, but I'm really not. God's really giving me a lot more peace with this whole Texas deal. One of the negatives on my pro/con list (don't judge me) is the whole deal where I would be shoved into independence...apartment, commuting to campus, going to school with 50,000 people, being 17 hours from home, etc. And Lauren is all the way in Chicago, so I mean, if she can do that as a freshman, surely I can. I was spending some time this week with a few girls that I graduated with, and one of them just got an apartment at Virginia Tech, and basically I've just been talking with a lot of people who are in some derivative of the situation I'd be in. Far from home, living off-campus, stuff like that. My friend Brittney just quit her pre-pharmacy program to come back home and do nursing because she wants to have a family and a life, and not be in school for 8 years and have a misery-inducing job. I was watching My Best Friend's wedding the other night, only half paying attention to it, and I looked at the tv for a minute and Julia Roberts said something along the lines of, "Well sometimes you just go to random places like College Station, TX!" and that's where A&M is. More or less, I've pretty much had all the signs and reassurance in the world that I'm not going to medical school.

The only real question for me at this point is whether or not I'll leave Wofford. I thought about not going back at all, but it's a little too late to pull a stunt like that. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be the hardest thing in the whole world to go back there without this decision finalized...I'm so so so so terrified that I'll talk myself out of all this, and that I'll stay in South Carolina out of fear. And I guess the fear is coming around because I've hit a plateau in the application process; everything's all filled out, I just can't mail my Wofford transcript into admissions until I physically go pick it up from the registrar. But I still...don't feel sure. i guess I feel like I might be making some big fabulous mistake, this is a pretty huge life change, everything about it feels pretty major. New state, new major, new life plan, new friends, summers in Colorado, only home at Christmas. This is all about might...it might hurt, it might not work out, it might be awful, i might hate it, i might love it, it might be great, it might be perfect, it might be everything...and I can't help but hear this little voice in my head go, "By the way Amanda, if you do this, if you leave, everything about your life is going to change completely; and if you don't do it, you're always going to wonder why you stayed." And honestly, I can't think of a good reason to stay. Maybe that's a pretty good reason to go.

I've also been told by a ton of people this week that I've gotten shy. Really close friends, like Bridget and Lauren, too. And that really worries me. I'm not shy...ever. I'm not quiet, I don't not talk about things, I'm loud and ridiculous and I'm not sure how my personality would work at all if it was subdued. Maybe it's from where I've been praying to be less dramatic. I guess that was a bigger issue than I realized.

I can't sleep.

The day has come. My doctor put me on prescription sleep medicine. I'm now one of those people. I told her the drill, that I'll just lay there for four hours going over all these options and variables, going through what if's and big schematic hypothetical situations and wondering what would happen with certain people and places and responsibilities if I stay and hate it, if I go and hate it, etc. She cut me off and told me to try and stay away from stressful situations. I laughed. So, sleeping pills might be my least favorite things in the whole world. First of all, I would just like to say that Ambien is not as wonderful as the commercial makes it out to be. You know how they say "don't take this unless you can devote at least 8 hours to sleep"? Well they mean the "at least" part, I took some at midnight, slept through my 9am alarm, and woke up at 3:30pm, and then was so drowsy that I could barely make it into the kitchen to make a pb&j before I went back to sleep for a lovely 6-hour evening nap.


So now I'm left to my own devices to start sleeping like a normal person again. I've tried everything; warm milk, sleeping on the couch, sleeping in the guest room, eliminating sugar and caffeine intake (and that is a BIG deal), and last night I even tried sleeping at a friend's house. Best friend Caroline's house, actually. She even has one of those neat sound soother things that makes the noise of the rainforest or beach, and I just laid in bed for 2 hours like usual. I went down to her living room at 2am and her dad was still up, so we watched Cops for about half an hour, then he went to sleep and I started reading a John Piper book I brought with me. It's actually legit, it's called "What Jesus Demands From the World" and it's one of the books I ordered on a whim for my trip to Colorado, but didn't actually take it with me on the plane because it's a 600-page hardback. But I'm about 50 pages in and I'm hooked. I basically underlined everything. So far he's talking about the logistics of God-glorifying obedience to Jesus, not really into the meat of anything yet. But each chapter is a demand of Christ, like I've read "You Must Be Born Again" and "Repent" and then chapter three is "Come to Me" and bravo, Piper. The chapters are really short, there are only 50 and some of the more major ones are lengthy, obviously, but the introduction to the book talks about the authority of Christ, one section particularly about the atuthority and intimacy under the Final Commission:

You can feel the two come together in what Jesus says on either side of his final command to make disciples. On one side he says, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me" (Matthew 28:18). And on the other side he says, "Behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age" (Matthew 28:20). The one says, "I make demands because I have the right. All authority in the universe is mine." The other says, "I make demands because I will help you. I will be with you forever."

I'm intrigued. I haven't been this intrigued about a book...in a while. That could be because I've read "The Shack" three times while I was at Frontier, and also because I've been on an emotional purity (yes, I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and I liked it. I could do a whole dang blog just on that business) kick for the last few months.

Anyway...my three best friends from home ship off to college in this next week. Lauren goes off to Wheaton on Wednesday, and then on Saturday, Bridget will be off to Roanoke College and Caroline leaves for Carson-Newman. Sad day. I guess it's not too awful, because I did this to them last year, but we're all pretty spread out now and it's not like Lauren can fly in from Chicago every weekend. I just love each of these girls with a deep part of my heart, we've been through just about everything with each other. And at any given time, some combination of the four of us is usually in some heated argument, or calling someone else out on their crap, or some derivative of non-compliance and I love it. Someone's always wrong, and I've been wrong with them plenty of times and it's taught me when to suck it up and swallow my pride and admit that. And it's taught me to be strong for them, since I'm the oldest I'm sort of the one who flew off in the real world first and had to report back on all the big scary things out there, and it's forced me to stay accountable. Because when your three best friends are girls, there are no secrets. You can't say anything to one that you don't want the other two to know. And I've learned more about honesty and integrity from that alone. And I love that we can talk about real things, like God and rapture and the end of the world, and they're not afraid to tell me that they don't like Young Life, and I'm not afraid to tell them that they spend entirely too much time with my boyfriends, and they're not afraid to shove in my face the fact that just because I'm older, it doesn't mean I'm always wiser. I love them. So this week will be pretty rough. Because as much as I hate all of our dumb arguments and drama, I'm gonna miss it big time.

I am beyond exhausted, I got back from Caroline's going-away party at midnight and then went for a run, followed by P90X Abs. All in an attempt to fall asleep. Here goes nothin'.

if you say go

I've been wrestling with God over a couple of issues for about a year. I don't mean a controlled verbal debate, I mean I've been acting like a 6-year-old child who isn't getting her way.

He's been trying to teach me patience and faith, asking me to specifically follow his instructions, but I've been kicking and screaming, yelling, "I want it now! Why not now? Why don't you just bless me now?" And I haaate it.

It's actually kind of ridiculous behavior. But it's had to be this way for me to come to this point. I'm the spoiled brat not getting her way, and He's the understanding Father trying to teach his kid a life lesson.

In March of last year, I felt like my whole life was in pieces. I didn't get into Harvard, I was just getting out of a rough two-year emotionally abusive pseudo-relationship, things with my family were starting to fall apart, and then Wofford came into the picture...it was my wilderness experience. It was the time I had to blindly walk by faith and trust God when he said, "Go to this place," even though I was scared. Now, I'm relating to Abraham the same way in a different part of his story.

Since I was five years old, I can remember dreaming about being a doctor. My dad taught me how to do a suture when I was 10, I would stitch bananas back together and have brain surgery on my Barbies. I was going to go to Havard, followed by Harvard med, and save the world. No sweat. That's just how it was. My whole life has been centered around this idea of being a surgeon. I've made it a part of my life without it ever even existing.

So as I've gotten older to my current stage of life as a sophomore in college, I've been frustrated that he hasn't followed my life plan and given me exactly what I wanted when I asked for it. I had it all mapped out. I would be done with med school when I was 25, do all my specialization, marry another surgeon, have this genius super family, etc. Instead, he asked me this summer to lay that big dream on the altar and stick a knife in it.

I've read Genesis 22 over and over again—slow, fast, in various translations. My favorite translation is in the New Living Translation. I've come to a few conclusions about this situation:

1. Some time later, God tested Abraham’s faith. “Abraham!” God called.

"Yes," he replied. "Here I am."

God liked to test Abraham's faith—a lot—didn't he? It almost seemed to be God's twisted way of messing with Abraham every now and then, just to see if he'd screw up. I feel like that sometimes. Sometimes I get tired of God's tests of my faith. I just want a summer break every now and then. But, alas, we all know that God tests our faith for good reasons and to grow us.

2. “Take your son, your only son—yes, Isaac, whom you love so much—and go to the land of Moriah. Go and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on one of the mountains, which I will show you.”

Can you imagine what Abraham thought when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac—his "son whom he loved so much"? I'll bet Abraham was pretty ticked. Why wouldn't God have asked him to sacrifice something easy, like a ram, a sheep, or even some luxuries in life? Why his beloved son?

I can relate. I have begged God over and over to take something else. I've even gone so far as to offer up myself as a lifelong foreign missionary, start all these cool charities, never to enjoy Froot Loops, snow, or Christmas ever again, just so I could keep my dream—the dream that I love so much.

3. The next morning Abraham got up early. He saddled his donkey and took two of his servants with him, along with his son, Isaac. Then he chopped wood for a fire for a burnt offering and set out for the place God had told him about.

I know it seems like Abraham was quick to run and chop up some firewood so he could rush his son to the sacrificial altar, but don't let the lack of details in this passage fool you. There's no way he sprinted to Moriah. He probably took his time going up the mountain so he could savor a few last moment with Isaac. Along the way, I'm sure he thought over and over, "God, are you sure you want me to do this? This seems like the craziest idea you've ever had. Maybe I didn't hear you correctly."

It's taken me more than a year to make it up the mountain. At first, I thought I could rush up and shove it on the altar because God really wouldn't take it from me. Instead, he would provide me with exactly what I wanted in its place. But I was wrong. He really does want this precious dream of mine—every piece of it. And I've sauntered up the side of the mountain for a long while, hesitating all along the way, clutching it tight in my arms, and wondering if I shouldn't just turn around and carry it back to the bottom.

4. On the third day of their journey, Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. “Stay here with the donkey,” Abraham told the servants. “The boy and I will travel a little farther. We will worship there, and then we will come right back.”

After a year, I'm now standing where Abraham was. I can see the altar from here. So why can't I just walk up and lay it down? I don't know yet. God has worked me over all the way here. I've had to worship him the whole way up.

I do know that on this journey, I've gotten rid of some things—insecurities, issues that weren't yet resolved, things from my past—that I otherwise would've held on to. These were the things I needed to get rid of to make it to the top.

The most incredible times of worship—when I have never felt God's presence more—were the times it was just me and Him. The times I felt the greatest pain in my life. I can imagine Abraham was feeling some incredible pain as he escorted his son up the mountain, but knew that he would worship in his agony when he reached the top.

It seems as though the pain of this journey has increased the farther along I go. I know that it's coming. Soon I'll have to let go of this dream. When that time comes in just a short while, I'll be in pain. And in that pain, I'll worship.

5. So Abraham placed the wood for the burnt offering on Isaac’s shoulders, while he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them walked on together, Isaac turned to Abraham and said, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“We have the fire and the wood,” the boy said, “but where is the sheep for the burnt offering?”

“God will provide a sheep for the burnt offering, my son,” Abraham answered. And they both walked on together.

So many pictures run through my mind in these verses: 1) that Isaac, the sacrifice, carried his own cross to the place he was to die, just as Jesus did, 2) that Abraham would put him there and plunge the knife into his heart, just as our sin nailed Jesus to the cross, and 3) how true Abraham's words were—that God did, indeed, provide the Lamb of God to be sacrificed for our sins.

But I also questioned what Abraham meant here. Was he just confident that God would come through with a substitute? Or was he just trying to avoid panic and hysteria in his son when he found out he would be the sacrifice?

I don't know what God means for me. The outcome is uncertain. However, I do know that God's grace is enough for whatever happens. I do know that he, in his providence, will still reign supreme in my life. I do know that I am grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me on the cross.

6. When they arrived at the place where God had told him to go, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood on it. Then he tied his son, Isaac, and laid him on the altar on top of the wood. And Abraham picked up the knife to kill his son as a sacrifice. At that moment the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Yes,” Abraham replied. “Here I am!”

“Don’t lay a hand on the boy!” the angel said. “Do not hurt him in any way, for now I know that you truly fear God. You have not withheld from me even your son, your only son.”

I understand why God wants this from me. I've made it my idol. I've been like a little child, clutching some posession, pouting and yelling, "It's mine! Not yours!" It's defined my life for almost 19 years. I've lost part of my identity to it.

Ultimately, my identity only lies in Christ. He's the only one that provides the definition for who I am in this world. He wants my total devotion. I started praying for brokenness on March 31, 2008 and he's worked his way in my life up to this point. He needs a direct line to me with nothing else standing in the way. And I'm willing to go there.

7. Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horns in a thicket. So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering in place of his son. Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means “the Lord will provide”). To this day, people still use that name as a proverb: “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

Then the angel of the Lord called again to Abraham from heaven. “This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your son, your only son, I swear by my own name that I will certainly bless you. I will multiply your descendants beyond number, like the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies. And through your descendants all the nations of the earth will be blessed—all because you have obeyed me."

I've selfishly held on to this dream for a long time. In my mind, it's always belonged to me. But, God asked for it and I said, "OK." And it's been a long process giving it up. I don't know what will happen next—whether he'll take it up and consume it with fire, provide a substitute and bless me for my obedience, or do something completely out of the ordinary that I never thought of (which is usually what happens).

Whatever the outcome, he'll provide what I need and I'll be satisfied—even if it hurts. I've realized I'm too ridiculous to figure out my own life. I just keep screwing my "plans" up. I'm willing to let go of ALL the reigns and give him control. I'll trust and obey no matter what happens.

My prayer today:

Here, before your altar, I am letting go of all I've held—of every motive, every burden, every thing that's of myself. I just want to wait on you, my God. I just want to dwell on who you are.

Beautiful, beautiful—I am lost for more to say. Beautiful, beautiful—Lord, you're beautiful to me.

Here, in your presence, I am not afraid of brokenness, to wash your feet with humble tears. I would be poured out until nothing is left. I just want to wait on you, my God. I just want to dwell on who you are.

(Kari Jobe's "Beautiful")

and i'll turn right back around

I don't feel like myself lately...that's no good.

God's leading me somewhere. And when I was at Frontier, the destination was pretty clear, but now that I'm home, I feel more disoriented than I did when I was in downtown Atlanta with no GPS. That was not a fun day; neither is this. Plus, I just got Twitter. What has become of my life?

In more ridiculous news, the current descision/responsibility/pressure cloud looming over my head has made it impossible to sleep at night. I've never experienced this. I literally lay in my bed, thinking about all the options and variables, every single night, until ususally 3am -- but sometimes until 5 or 6. I'll still be awake when my dad gets up to go to work, so now my parents are all concerned. Rightly so, I guess. And I found this song, that I've had on my iPod as long as I've had that thing...

I've been sleeping in for days,
'Cause when I am awake,
I will have to face my life.
And I'm hoping it's a phase.
The walls that I create
Can only make it seem alright.
And I get carried away like I'm the only one
Who's ever felt the way that I do,
But I can hear you say, "You're not the only one.
Everybody hopes to get through."

And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.

And that made my skin crawl a little. Am I still trying to hide from the will of God? Really? Is that my life again? Gross. That's gross. Not talking about this fully is driving me nuts, so I'm just going to say it without the big "let's have a press conference about it" delivery. I've spent the last two weeks of my life working on transfer applications. Yes. I'm working on Texas A&M, Baylor, and Mary Washington. And I'm not committing to anything until I see all my options, and that now includes going back to Wofford and feeling things out. Something God revealed to me at Frontier is that I can't go to medical school. I'm pre-med for all the wrong reasons; for my pride, the desire to be called a doctor, the supposed security and status. And I just can't do it. That's not where my heart is, that's not who I am.

Quick (not really) synopsis of how this realization came about:
[Or, why Frontier really was the best month of my life]

Week One of summer staff was...insane. We got off to a rough start, with the swine flu outbreak and all. On Day Three, we found out that 200 of the campers from Katy, TX were being sent home due to contamination, and all 500 campers were shipped off by the end of Day 5. Rough. This is Frontier. Anyway, we had a summer staff meeting after everyone got on the busses, not a great mood around camp, but after the meeting I was hanging out with 6 or 7 other staffers. We started playing Hot Seat in the lobby of our cabin, and that quickly turned into me telling them my life story. I guess this is important because (a) I haven't done that in a long time, and (b) I went pretty deep with it. I talked a lot about my parents and my life in high school, mainly focused on how skewed my idea of love is because of a few different people, mostly from my dad. That and being bred to go to Harvard and be a surgeon pretty much told me that love was to be earned and that too often, I was inadequate. A couple of days later, I had an unfortunate run-in with the (at the time) frustrated camp doctor, which threw me into flashbacks of similar anger-related interactions with my father and memories of my broken childhood. That night I found myself, broken and bawling, on the back porch of my cabin with my summer staff boss, a woman who I'd known for about four days, but who still unfathomably knew how to handle me in my delicate state. I told her my story as well, and I know now that God was bringing me to my knees for a good reason, and in the weeks to come I would see much of His grace and hear much of His voice.

During the second week, an ex-YL staff guy, Tom Wilson, and his wife came and talked to us. And his wife, Linda, is actually a therapist. Funny. So I talked with her, mostly about how things were going with my parents and how that was impacting all the different aspects of my life. And she said something to me that was pretty ground-breaking in that moment, she said that I couldn't go to med school and expect my father to love me for it. Meaning, that going to med school isn't going to fix anything with my family. And another thing, she told me that my father loved me, "he just doesn't know how to, and that's not on you." Which was...completely what I needed to hear from a total stranger, you know? God spoke through her so well, as if to yell, "Guess what, this isn't something you get to worry about anymore, so just give it up." And I think that's when I knew what I had to do. Granted, I think I have always known, but just prevented myself from saying it out loud.

And then, week three rolled along, and I had a conversation with Frontier's camp manager about interning there next summer. And what he more or less said to me was that if I wanted an internship, to just pick up the phone and call him. And of course I had thoughts of committing right then and there, but brought up uncertainties in being available because of summer school for my beloved pre-med biology/spanish-consumed life. He told me to talk to one of the interns, Beth, because she was a year-long intern who was "probably" going to medical school. So of course she walks into my office ten minutes after Steve leaves. And she tells me that she decided during her time at Frontier to not go to med school, because she was going for all the wrong reasons. And I was all, why are we the same person? It was a little creepy, but the good kind of creepy.

And then I got back to Virginia with a very clear and very sweet picture of God directing me toward something: no more med school. So yes, that plan is out the window. The question (and struggle?) is now what to do with that picture. The only thing that really makes me uncomfortable about leaving Wofford is leaving Byrnes Young Life, which is not exactly thriving in comparison to the other Young Life clubs in SpaCo, but then again, this is not about comparison...or really my perception of things at all. It's not about me at all, what I want or think or feel. But yes, I am filling out transfer applications out of what I see to be obedience. And, if God wants me to go, I'm there. No question. I have no loyalties that would prevent me from going if I am so called. But something my friend Zach wrote in his blog a few days ago (something to the tune of, "following God's will as it has been revealed despite where current circumstances lead") struck a cord with me. Does this mean I just peace out and go to Texas? Did God say to go to Texas, or did he just say to not go to medical school? I believe there is a difference that I haven't really considered. I'm not looking for loopholes. I'm comfortable at Wofford, but at the same time, I am completely uncomfortable because I wasn't living in God's complete will over the course of last year. My greatest fear is that I will fall back into the cycle of being obsessed with success that I have become so skilled at. I have a lot of questions, I have even more concerns, there are a lot of variables to be weighed...a lot of responsibilities to be considered...and yet, I am so dissatisfied with my present communion with God. The only way to get His answer is to seek His face, which I am not doing adequately for what my current situation demands. Of this, I am sure...and it's the first thing to be worked on.

Lord,
If I'm doing something other than what You will, put up a block. Show up somehow. Forgive me for not looking to You, for not sitting at Your feet and residing in Your Word. That is where I desire to be. I love you so.

something new and different!

it must've been something i said

I went on a really really great great great run earlier. And I'm listening to Ryan Adam's cover of Wonderwall. Today is a good day.

I'm really only updating because Heather, my friend from Chicago, just left me a Facebook video saying that she was going to come read this , and I figured I needed more than one post since Frontier as to not seem like such a blog slacker. Tomorrow night, I'll be crashing my home YL area's post-camp reunion fiesta! It's not a Young Life party in Atown if I'm not there, basically. I'm trying my best to focus on not wearing my cowboy boots. I'm a little obsessed with them, and Virginia is not exactly cowboy boots territory...a little like how my Texas friends thought my Wallabees were weird, I suppose.

I move back into Wofford on the 31st, so I've got a nice little chunk of time to play with before I have to be serious about life again, so I'm a fan of that since I know people who are moving in this week. I'm working on my plan of attack for acquiring outdoorsy things to go camping with (Mountain Smith bag, Keen trail run shoes, Patagonia shorts, etc.) so all my camping-inclined friends will think I'm cool and plan a trip to go sleep in some forest. Pretty stoked about that. More excited than I was when I found out they have a Rock Band just for country music...so clutch.

I'm out of cool things to talk about...here's a mini survey so you can learn things about my life.

What are you listening to right now?
(I Just) Died In Your Arms - Cutting Crew

Are/were your parents strict?
not strict, just...we don't see eye to eye

Would you go sky diving?
on the to-do list

Do you like cottage cheese?
HAAAATE it.

Have you ever met a celebrity?
taylor swift!

Do you rent movies often?
i'm such a netflix junkie

Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
I'm the proud owner of a disco ball.

Ever walked into a wall?
That's actually how I broke my foot when I was a freshman in high school.

Note: only blog when you have something to say...

of what is to come

I have absolutely not recovered from "I miss Colorado" syndrome. My heart is still there and I long for the time and vulnerability I had with the Lord. That's not to say that He is not present where I am now, it's just that...a lot of other things are, too.

My month on summer staff was a gift of all gifts, and it came to me in a time when I needed the clarity of God more than ever...I mean, if my life was a book, my month away from home was the plot twist, and I can't tell you about it quite yet. Believe me, I want to...but I want to be able to tell this particular story of God's greatness in full.

Since being home, I've spent a lot of time sleeping, some time running, and most of it with people. Frontier showed me how relational I actually am. Shock of my life, an introvert that's relational. But yes, I crave being with people and getting to know them, hurts and fears and crap included, and more than that I crave seeing people process Lord. Not necessarily all the pretty parts of that, I enjoy watching the wrestling matches as well. That's a big reason why summer staff was so clutch for me; it was an environment full of peers who thought nothing of sitting (or more accurately, residing) at the feet of Jesus, and that's the life I want. I want to sit at His feet and I want to hear what He has to say. So yes, I am missing that place greatly.

God spoke at Frontier in a way that I've never experienced before. I was told by the property staff at camp that "nothing like this" had really ever happened in the history of Young Life. First of all, a swine flu outbreak? Really? Sending 200 campers home on Day 3 of our first week of camp and all 500 by Day 5? Really? Having the Work Crew isolated and the threat of camp getting shut down -- of Frontier Ranch, the granddaddy of all YL camps, getting shut down -- looming over our heads? Really? Camp groups canceling, a national flu screening policy, rerouting to other camps? Really? Having our precious camp director lose the love of her life at the end of Week 3? I've never felt like Satan was attacking holy ground as much as this. I remember...Day 1 of Week 2, when all the staff was put on TamiFlu, and some of us were literally packing our bags because we were so sure that we were all going to get sent home...I have never prayed so honestly or so boldly or so openly. Read Psalm 91. I experienced the Truth of that passage, lived it and breathed it for a month. Never have I had so much hope, never have I heard from God so clearly. Forgive me, I have so much to say and share that I'm unsure of where to even begin.

It changed my heart, and it changed the way I see God, not to mention the way I hear from Him, and I know that my life is about to change. In a big way. And I'm still figuring that out...not so much the when or the what, because the when is now. My struggle lies within whether or not I have any say in this particular matter, and to quote Zach, "Not if it's the will of God. If that's what we're dealing with, you've really got no choice here." I love the thought of that. And so I know what I have to do, but there are certain variables to consider. But I can't wait to tell the whole world, but I must be delicate in my delivery. So I'm asking for patience; I'll think on it, and pray on it, and I guess it's about time for me to witness to what I saw God during my time on that mountain. I'll never really be the same because of it, and that scares me, but it ignites the fire in my heart more than that.