I don't feel like myself lately...that's no good.
God's leading me somewhere. And when I was at Frontier, the destination was pretty clear, but now that I'm home, I feel more disoriented than I did when I was in downtown Atlanta with no GPS. That was not a fun day; neither is this. Plus, I just got Twitter. What has become of my life?
In more ridiculous news, the current descision/responsibility/pressure cloud looming over my head has made it impossible to sleep at night. I've never experienced this. I literally lay in my bed, thinking about all the options and variables, every single night, until ususally 3am -- but sometimes until 5 or 6. I'll still be awake when my dad gets up to go to work, so now my parents are all concerned. Rightly so, I guess. And I found this song, that I've had on my iPod as long as I've had that thing...
I've been sleeping in for days,
'Cause when I am awake,
I will have to face my life.
And I'm hoping it's a phase.
The walls that I create
Can only make it seem alright.
And I get carried away like I'm the only one
Who's ever felt the way that I do,
But I can hear you say, "You're not the only one.
Everybody hopes to get through."
And it's got me sleeping in.
Every day God, it's the same thing.
Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.
I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.
I need you here with me to face the world outside
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.
And that made my skin crawl a little. Am I still trying to hide from the will of God? Really? Is that my life again? Gross. That's gross. Not talking about this fully is driving me nuts, so I'm just going to say it without the big "let's have a press conference about it" delivery. I've spent the last two weeks of my life working on transfer applications. Yes. I'm working on Texas A&M, Baylor, and Mary Washington. And I'm not committing to anything until I see all my options, and that now includes going back to Wofford and feeling things out. Something God revealed to me at Frontier is that I can't go to medical school. I'm pre-med for all the wrong reasons; for my pride, the desire to be called a doctor, the supposed security and status. And I just can't do it. That's not where my heart is, that's not who I am.
Quick (not really) synopsis of how this realization came about:
[Or, why Frontier really was the best month of my life]
Week One of summer staff was...insane. We got off to a rough start, with the swine flu outbreak and all. On Day Three, we found out that 200 of the campers from Katy, TX were being sent home due to contamination, and all 500 campers were shipped off by the end of Day 5. Rough. This is Frontier. Anyway, we had a summer staff meeting after everyone got on the busses, not a great mood around camp, but after the meeting I was hanging out with 6 or 7 other staffers. We started playing Hot Seat in the lobby of our cabin, and that quickly turned into me telling them my life story. I guess this is important because (a) I haven't done that in a long time, and (b) I went pretty deep with it. I talked a lot about my parents and my life in high school, mainly focused on how skewed my idea of love is because of a few different people, mostly from my dad. That and being bred to go to Harvard and be a surgeon pretty much told me that love was to be earned and that too often, I was inadequate. A couple of days later, I had an unfortunate run-in with the (at the time) frustrated camp doctor, which threw me into flashbacks of similar anger-related interactions with my father and memories of my broken childhood. That night I found myself, broken and bawling, on the back porch of my cabin with my summer staff boss, a woman who I'd known for about four days, but who still unfathomably knew how to handle me in my delicate state. I told her my story as well, and I know now that God was bringing me to my knees for a good reason, and in the weeks to come I would see much of His grace and hear much of His voice.
During the second week, an ex-YL staff guy, Tom Wilson, and his wife came and talked to us. And his wife, Linda, is actually a therapist. Funny. So I talked with her, mostly about how things were going with my parents and how that was impacting all the different aspects of my life. And she said something to me that was pretty ground-breaking in that moment, she said that I couldn't go to med school and expect my father to love me for it. Meaning, that going to med school isn't going to fix anything with my family. And another thing, she told me that my father loved me, "he just doesn't know how to, and that's not on you." Which was...completely what I needed to hear from a total stranger, you know? God spoke through her so well, as if to yell, "Guess what, this isn't something you get to worry about anymore, so just give it up." And I think that's when I knew what I had to do. Granted, I think I have always known, but just prevented myself from saying it out loud.
And then, week three rolled along, and I had a conversation with Frontier's camp manager about interning there next summer. And what he more or less said to me was that if I wanted an internship, to just pick up the phone and call him. And of course I had thoughts of committing right then and there, but brought up uncertainties in being available because of summer school for my beloved pre-med biology/spanish-consumed life. He told me to talk to one of the interns, Beth, because she was a year-long intern who was "probably" going to medical school. So of course she walks into my office ten minutes after Steve leaves. And she tells me that she decided during her time at Frontier to not go to med school, because she was going for all the wrong reasons. And I was all, why are we the same person? It was a little creepy, but the good kind of creepy.
And then I got back to Virginia with a very clear and very sweet picture of God directing me toward something: no more med school. So yes, that plan is out the window. The question (and struggle?) is now what to do with that picture. The only thing that really makes me uncomfortable about leaving Wofford is leaving Byrnes Young Life, which is not exactly thriving in comparison to the other Young Life clubs in SpaCo, but then again, this is not about comparison...or really my perception of things at all. It's not about me at all, what I want or think or feel. But yes, I am filling out transfer applications out of what I see to be obedience. And, if God wants me to go, I'm there. No question. I have no loyalties that would prevent me from going if I am so called. But something my friend Zach wrote in his blog a few days ago (something to the tune of, "following God's will as it has been revealed despite where current circumstances lead") struck a cord with me. Does this mean I just peace out and go to Texas? Did God say to go to Texas, or did he just say to not go to medical school? I believe there is a difference that I haven't really considered. I'm not looking for loopholes. I'm comfortable at Wofford, but at the same time, I am completely uncomfortable because I wasn't living in God's complete will over the course of last year. My greatest fear is that I will fall back into the cycle of being obsessed with success that I have become so skilled at. I have a lot of questions, I have even more concerns, there are a lot of variables to be weighed...a lot of responsibilities to be considered...and yet, I am so dissatisfied with my present communion with God. The only way to get His answer is to seek His face, which I am not doing adequately for what my current situation demands. Of this, I am sure...and it's the first thing to be worked on.
Lord,
If I'm doing something other than what You will, put up a block. Show up somehow. Forgive me for not looking to You, for not sitting at Your feet and residing in Your Word. That is where I desire to be. I love you so.
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